Change Made Easier
Lauren H. Zander The Handel Group, LLC
How many times have you heard someone moan and groan about his/her lot in life? He complains that it's impossible to lose weight or change jobs or otherwise improve because "That's just the way I am." Or -- he has a long list of reasons why someone or something is holding him back.
Are people really stuck in the mud of their lives? Or is there a simple
secret to overcoming these seemingly insurmountable hurdles? I
tackled this behemoth with Lauren H. Zander, who knows a lot about
how people can change. She is principal of Handel Group Private
Coaching, which guides individuals as well as businesses through the
process of making change and improving their lives.
YES, YOU CAN
Zander immediately assured me that while change is difficult -- it's
possible for anyone. And, surprisingly, they insist that change isn't that
hard. It's nothing more, they explain, than eating an apple instead of a
cheeseburger, or leaving the credit cards at home to avoid a shopping
binge. So why is it such a difficult step for most people? This is where
the process of making change becomes much more complex, as you
probably guessed.
Zander says we all carry around theories or concepts about ourselves
that we hold in a very deep level as our truths. Typical self-theories
are "I don't have it in me to stay thin," or "My mom had the same
problem -- it runs in the family," or "There's no such thing as a good
marriage, so why try?" The cause of a particular theory or "truth" can
be as incidental as a moment in childhood, perhaps when your mother
or teacher said something such as, "You'll never be able to diet -- you
like food too much." And the 12-year-old mind said, oh that must be
the way I am. End of story and the beginning of a lifetime of diet
failures.
WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT
Most of us have never explored what our self-theories are, which is
interesting in that we act on them virtually every day without any idea
about the pivotal role they play in our lives. Identifying your self-truths
is where the real work of making change starts -- it is crucial to
discover what your self-theories are and then to examine why you
believe them. Theories concern your body, mind, friends, money,
relationships -- in fact, every area of your life. Some theories move
you forward ("I am a generous person") while others hold you back.
Once you've identified the self-theories that are holding you back, the
goal is to accept that you are the author of them and that they are the
result of some misperception at some moment in your past... and then
to realize that they are keeping you stuck in your life. All of this is
difficult for most of us to do alone, because it is hard to see where our
thinking goes wrong, and so Zander recommends working with
another person.
Someone else can more easily spot what Zander calls "corrupt
concepts" and better recognize how you are acting on them. Have a
series of conversations with someone who knows you well, is fair
minded and a person you totally trust with your innermost thoughts
and feelings. Talk about both the positive and negative beliefs you
hold in different areas of your life and then think about why you hold
those beliefs. Working together, you will begin to determine changes
you'd like to make that are possi
ble (winning the lottery is definitely not
on this list, but new jobs, better relationships, a different physique, an
organized home, etc. are). Over the course of your conversations --
even as few as four if they are productive -- you will begin to
incorporate the realization that just because you are a certain way
today, there is no reason you must be that way tomorrow, says
Zander.
CHOOSE A DIFFERENT CHOICE
The way to move past your old belief system and forward to
accomplish change requires recognition and acceptance of the fact
that you have dominion in your life. No one is forcing you to eat the
bagel or not look for a better job. You control the actions (or lack
thereof) that you take. This is the moment of truth, when your real
desire and willingness to change will make themselves clear. It is a
step that requires courage, a sense of humor, energy and a plan. You
may find, as many others do, says Zander, that your plan works best if
you make change gradually, one step at a time. Start with small and
achievable changes. Perhaps it's choosing to walk to the mailbox
instead of driving or to give your spouse a big hello when he comes
home instead of the usual grunt.
To maximize your chances of success, Zander has a final piece of
advice: Build in consequences that follow should you fail to stay with
your plan. People who have little real intent for change -- be it staying
on a diet, going to the gym, working on their career or marriage -- only
feel bad about themselves as a consequence of broken self-promises.
And most of us are amazingly adept at getting over that feeling.
Instead, if you create your own punishment for breaking your promise
to yourself -- something with real impact, which causes real discomfort
-- you will be more likely to keep your promise to yourself. This will be
especially effective if you tell your buddy about your promise of
punishment so he can keep you honest. Your consequence might be
a monetary fine payable to a charity you do not support or withdrawal
of a pleasurable pastime -- anything that has value to you and that you
don't want to lose. Attaching consequences is remarkably efficient. It
generally takes no more than one or two consequence events for
people to realize they would rather make the changes they desire than
suffer the consequences.
On the flipside, feeling the benefits of the new positive choices is a
huge reward in itself. Happy changing.
www.BottomLineSecrets.com
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