Don't Let Anger Destroy Your Health

What’s Really Happening When People Are Angry

Lauren H. Zander The Handel Group, LLC

Angry people are exhausting to be around, always carping about
some offense and glowering about what someone else did or did not
do. For the angry person, life itself is exhausting, zapping his/her
energy and, as many studies have shown, triggering health problems
from headaches to heart attacks. But it is hard for angry people to get
out from under their wrath because they are caught in a selfperpetuating
trap, according to Lauren Zander, principal of the
personal coaching firm Handel Group Private Coaching
(www.handelgroup.com). Fortunately, though, with effort and
guidance, it is possible to free yourself of the burdens of an angry life
so you can enjoy life more, enjoy your loved ones more and be far
healthier.

ANGER HAS ITS PLACE

Not all anger is bad, of course. Lauren points out that it is an
appropriate response to a number of situations, including being lied to
or otherwise betrayed, and in those times it would be unhealthful not
to feel your anger and give it a voice. Verbalizing the emotion and
working it through is how you relieve the physical and mental stress
anger creates. It also provides the opportunity to resolve the problem
with the other person and move past being angry. Unhealthful anger,
conversely, results when people flip out automatically as a reaction, or
the extent of the anger is out of proportion to what happened. They
hold on to grudges, rage at "stupid drivers" and sputter at heavy traffic
-- even at silly mistakes of their own. Being angry is what they do
because it's the only way they know how to react in a situation, so
they do it a lot.

BEHIND ANGER

Being in a regular state of frustration, rage or anger is something
angry people have learned... if not at their mother’s knee, then at their
father's -- or perhaps both, says Lauren. In their childhood home,
being angry was an accepted way of behaving... the mother who got
cold and shut down anytime she was upset about even trivial
matters... the father who hollered and slammed doors when something
didn't go his way. Seeing so much anger acted out without any
attempt to curtail or change the behavior creates the belief in the child
that there is nothing wrong with acting this way. (This is, of course, in
sharp contrast to the people who grow up in families that do not
display anger -- even when they feel it -- and consequently are
reluctant to show anger even when provoked and instead
unhealthfully drive it underground.) But there is more to the mix than
just learned behavior, Lauren continues.
Angry people want to be in control, be it of their life, their environment
or other people. When they can't control something, they get frustrated
-- and they get mad. They justify their fury by rationalizing that they
know the "right" way something should or shouldn't be done. This
position, then, gives them the "right" to be angry when that something
doesn’t go as they wanted it to. Sometimes the angry person is indeed
right -- other drivers can be stupid, traffic often is a nightmare, war is
bad. But anger alone does not resolve problems. For example, getting
mad at your hair turning gray will not make it go back to the color of
your youth.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR ANGER

Angry people are usually stuck being angry because they are so busy
focusing on why they are right instead of moving past it. Underneath,
deep inside, they often know that they are, in fact, out of control and
that people shy away from them, reluctant to be around their explosive
nature. While angry people initially cling to the idea, "That's just the
way I am," it is certainly possible to overcome chronic anger, says
Lauren. The first step is to recognize that you are angry and that you
hold on to your displays of it much as a toddler does his temper
tantrums. A very powerful exercise is to look at the way you're
behaving and notice how childlike the angry behavior is and how
foolish you must appear. Then ask yourself what you get from
behaving in the same bratty manner as a young child. Like a tantrum,
it is probably also an expression of frustration, but when frustration
builds in small children, they don't have a selection of ways to display
it. As an adult, you do.
The next step is to investigate how you witnessed anger in your
childhood where you learned it. Lauren points out that most people
are reluctant to believe they are like their parents, but it's through
parents that we all learn how to conduct ourselves in our lives. Your
particular way of showing anger may differ slightly, but in essence the
pattern is no doubt the same. Once you've recognized that, start to
think through what your parents' anger actually achieved or changed.
Did being mad benefit their family or them personally? Or did it, in fact,
get in the way? Having evaluated that part of your past prepares you
for the next step, which is to observe -- and change -- your own ways
of acting out anger. Here's how...

For a week or two, make a list of your anger triggers. Write down
everything that makes you sooo mad -- no matter how big or
small. And, keep in mind, you don't have to yell to be feeling and
displaying anger.

Review your completed list to evaluate your particular triggers.
You will discover they are amazingly predictable -- variations on
the same four or five things again and again.

Pick out one trigger area and come up with new ways to handle
it. This should include ways you can change the situation so that
it no longer upsets you and how you can change the way you
respond. For example, say heavy traffic on your commute makes
you crazy. You can't change traffic, of course, but you can leave
earlier or later so that you miss the rush. If that’s not possible,
change your response by finding something calming and
enjoyable, such as listening to books on tape as you drive. It's
critical to expect the fact that traffic is going to be bad. By doing
this, your expectations of good traffic won't be overestimated so
you won't be frustrated. If you change your expectations of a
situation, you reduce your risk of frustration and, in turn, anger.
Also, look at what you can do to shift a situation. For example,
say you complain that your spouse isn't meeting your needs.
Can you change that by making more effort to communicate
clearly what your needs are?

In addition to these nuts-and-bolts steps, add fuel to change by doing
this -- picture yourself as a person who is not angry. Visualize how you
would behave and actually put words to your description. It might even
help to think about someone you know who is not an angry person
and how they react in situations. This will help you have a role model
for the behavior and may give you a feeling of what it's like when
someone reacts without anger. Lauren warns that it may be hard at
first to visualize a world without anger, but push on, and decide what
you would be like and how you would act and the difference that
would make in your relationship with those closest to you. Now you
are ready to rechannel that ferocious amount of energy you had been
putting into being mad into a more peaceful and productive daily
experience. You'll realize that instead of getting mad, you've stepped
up to the plate to help make a difference in your world.

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