Giving Up the Wifestyle
Divorce Forces Women to Give Up the Wifestyle: 5 Tips to a New Identity
No longer a wife and now a single woman; Finding a new personal identity is a
challenge women face after divorce. They must learn to shed their “wifestyle” and
learn who they are without it, according to mental health experts.
Women can find power in the label of “wife,” according to Susan Shapiro Barash, a
gender expert who teaches in special programs at Sarah Lawrence College. “Being a
wife is truly an imprimatur in our society,” Barash said, “something men react to,
and women identify with.”
Barash, who is the author of several books, including "Women of Divorce: Mothers,
Daughters, Stepmothers – The New Triangle", "Second Wives: The Pitfalls and
Rewards of Marrying Widowers and Divorced Men," and "The New Wife: The Evolving
Role of the American Wife," said that the identity change is more of a women’s issue.
She said men do have adjustments to make, but they don’t have as much difficulty
making them as women do.
“It’s not to say that they don’t suffer or feel the sense of loss, they just deal with is
very differently,” Barash said. “Women have a much longer internalized time fame in
which they are in pain, and the adjustment is slower.”
Barash said that until recently, a good number of women felt they were missing out
if they weren’t married. “Being a wife, almost as little as 40 years ago, was almost a
position of authority in a patriarchal culture,” Barash said.
But times have changed, she said. No longer does a woman need to feel stigmatized
or marginalized because she has lost the wife label and has become single. The
gender roles that were
traditionally assigned to men
and women – men as bread-
winners and women as support
systems – are no longer as
relevant, Barash said. Women
have their own earning power,
and they are taking more control
of their lives because of that,
she said.
“It’s a very complex new
identity. But the good news is that our culture is much more open to divorce. Much
more accustomed to it, for each year that passes,” Barash said. That is not to say
that the transition from wife to single woman is an easy one, Barash said. “For so long you have been part of a couple... and being single is a different life,” Barash
said. “Waking up divorced, even if you want this divorce, it is a huge adjustment,
and a difficult road to hoe.”
Difficulty will arise as others respond to the change, too, Brash said. She said that,
surprisingly, some women will still be dropped from their social networks because
they are no longer married. She said that brings the opportunity to evaluate
friendships and decide which are true. But the key to the adjustment from wife to
single woman comes from being ready for the journey, she said. “The best way is to
have full recognition of the amount of psychic and emotional energy you need to
make the adjustment,” Barash said.
DIFFICULT TRANSITION
Society values marriage and married women, said BJ Gallagher, the author of
"Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Other Women." Therefore, it is difficult
for women to release the moniker of wife and the status that comes with it, she said.
The identity of wife is one who is fulfilling a biological destiny, she said.
“In our culture, and most others, men are valued for what they do for a living, while
women are valued for who they are married to,” said Gallagher, who is also the
author of "Yes Lives in the Land of No," www.yeslivesinthelandofno.com. The wife’s
identity becomes entangled with her husband’s career, she said. And when the
marriage ends, many women lose that sense of identity, along with their standard of
living.
Friends may also disappear, Gallagher said, because they are uncomfortable being
around a single unattached female. They may also fear that they will experience the
same fate, and they don’t want to be near the divorced couple. “So a newly divorced
woman faces a lot of losses -- income, status, friends, and a sense of security and
belonging. It's a tough transition for almost all women,” Gallagher said.
The only way to process the identity change from wife to single woman is to own up
to everything that led to the divorce, said Lauren Zander, a relationship expert, life
coach and host of of a Lifetime TV pilot "Love em or leave em.” The divorce didn’t
happen quickly, she said, but it grew from damage to the marriage. “That’s one of
the only ways she can get back her power and not make the same mistakes. She has
to own everything,” Zander said.
Zander is also the founder of The HandelGroup, www.handelgroup.com, and a
visiting scholar who teaches a relationships course at Massachusetts Institute of
Technology. This can be a difficult process for a woman because women covet the
identity of being a wife, she said. “The identity of not being single is really very
appealing to a woman, even if the marriage sucks,” Zander said.
She often tests the strength of her clients’ marriages by asking them two things
about their anniversary celebrations and their sex lives. She asks clients what they
are celebrating on their anniversaries – she asks them to evaluate whether they are
celebrating being in love and together with their spouses, or if they are celebrating
not being alone. She questions the health of the clients’ sex lives to understand
whether they are taking care of each other physically.
An active sex life often falls by the wayside in a marriage that is failing. She said
women long to remain part of a marriage, and remain a wife, that they overlook it.
“What I think, being off the market, especially taking care of a household or children
and taking care of your work, that identity is so fulfilling for a woman, or so
purposeful, that she can stay very numb to the fact that she is not even in love with
a guy, and not even sleeping with him,” Zander said.
Asking how often a couple has sex is like taking the temperature of the relationship,
Zander said. And she faults wives who stay in sexless, passionless marriages just for
sake of being a wife, marriage that is “too much mother, not enough temptress,”
Zander said. “I think women are criminals because they are not so in love with their
husbands as they are safe in their life,” she said.
So when divorce breaks up their marriages, women have to explore who they are
beyond the wifestyle, and they have to notice what they were ignoring, Zander said.
For example, if they let their bodies and health go, they will need to find their way
back to taking care of themselves. If they ignored their sex lives, they need to return
to their sensual sides, Zander said.
“So now the woman is single, and she’s back to square one, called seduction. And
whatever she didn’t get the first round, now she even knows more about what she
wants in the second round,” Zander said.
She will get nowhere in the second round, Zander said, until she acknowledges her
place in the end of the marriage. “The next thing for getting a woman getting over
being scorned by a divorce is to help her figure out what she sourced herself, too,”
Zander said.
For example, Zander said, if the husband cheated, then a wife must ask why it
happened, and how she played a part. If the woman’s family has a history of
strained or failed relationships, then she must explore what that family dynamic
means and how she can change it. “Women need to own their part in what happened
in that divorce 100, even so much not to blame them. That’s the only way to get out
of that prison. I even have some of them go and apologize and clean it all up,”
Zander said. “Then I have them go lose the weight and get all hot and sexy. If you
feel good about yourself, you can attract anyone.”
TIPS FOR SHEDDING WIFESTYLE, EMBRACING SINGLEHOOD
Making the transition from wife to single woman can be a difficult path. Relationship
experts recommend looking at the process as a growth experience, and embrace the
changes coming ahead. Some ways to make the process more comfortable are:
1. Be prepared for the difficulty.
The road to a new identity once a marriage ends can take time, and mental and
emotional energy, according to Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender expert and author of
"The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife."
2. Evaluate your friends.
Newly divorced or separated women should be ready for their friendships to
shift. Some friend will provide support and solace, while others will socially drop the
woman whose relationship has ended. Focusing on making new single friends or
putting energy into maintaining the positive relationships with married friends.
3. Find a satisfying job.
Finding a job that provides personal fulfillment is one of the best ways to make the
transition to a single life, said B.J. Gallagher, author of "Everything I Need to Know I
Learned from Other Women." Not only will she get an income boost, but she will
make new friends and develop her own solid identity aside from her husband. She
will find more structure to her days, and it will get her out of the house, Gallagher
said.
4. Consider dating.
When they are comfortable, newly divorced women should consider joining the
dating scene, Gallagher said. Attention from other men might shore up waning self-
esteem. Some women may need more time to heal from the failed relationship, and
find that dating is too much, too soon, “But there's something to be said for getting
right back on a horse again, after you've been thrown,” Gallagher said. Find a new
community for support: Lauren Zander, founder of The HandelGroup,
www.handelgroup.com, and who teaches a relationships course at Massachusetts
Institute of Technology said that the new identity of single woman may mean a new
group of friends. They might be mostly single friends, Zander said, or people with
whom to share new activities. But it is essential that they are fun to be around.
5. Get out.
Get out into the world, Zander said. Volunteer, try new hobbies, take classes. Get
out of the house and start socializing.
6. Self-improve.
Make the changes you want to see in yourself, Zander said. Lose weight, exercise
more, make healthy life choices, repair emotional issues. Becoming happy, confident
and taking care of yourself is the key to building a new life, Zander said.
Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in
media law. She has spent almost 15 years in the field of journalism, and she teaches
at American University in Washington, D.C. She recently won a national research
award for her work. She can be reached at
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