The Hidden Victim in All of Us

How Playing 'Victim' Prevents You from Achieving Your
Dreams

Lauren H. Zander The Handel Group, LLC

Ever been in the presence of a person who likes to play "victim"? It's
painful, right? Some so-called victims are easy to spot. "Woe is me" is
their mantra as they mope around, whining about what life has done to
them, and being devoted to their sad state. But, there is a whole other
category of people who act in ways that are far more subtle and
difficult to recognize, says life coach Lauren Zander, of The Handel
Group Private Coaching (www.handelgrouppc.com). The problem is
that the undercurrent of complaint and misery that is generated by
these "undercover" victims creates stress and exhaustion not only for
them but for those who are around them, too.

Taking on a false sense of victimhood has become pervasive, adds
Lauren, which is destructive to society. Some people play that role
daily. But, mentally, almost all of us fall into the trap of feeling like a
victim at least now and then. How to overcome victimhood and be
powerful instead? I discussed this with Lauren...

WHAT IS VICTIMHOOD?

At the root of victimhood is an internal power struggle in which the
victim sees what he/she perceives as problems in the world around
him (this includes his personal world of family and work or even the
global environment) yet believes he is helpless to change things.
The sure sign of being a victim is complaining. Victims do it a lot and
their constant chatter is about what's wrong with other people. "The
innocent is telling his story," Lauren says. "Everyone else is the
problem -- the reason it isn't working -- the 'only ifs' are always
focused on others and victims believe they are just reporting the
crimes of their boss, mother, husband, kids, the school system and the
world and how these people and institutions have all wrongly impacted
them." This focus on other people makes it hard for victims to look at
their own behavior to see it for what it is -- their complaints.
Consequently, they adamantly deny they are acting as a victim.

On the flip side, victimhood also provides a subtle reward to the
complainer. As victims observe others' failings and how hurtful they
are, they set themselves up as martyrs secure in the knowledge that,
although they are the wounded party, they are right -- and the feeling
of being right is very powerful. "Victims feel heroic for putting up with
the bad behavior of people around them and being the good guy in the
story," says Lauren. Acting as a victim also places people outside the
situation -- peering in and observing the "poor behavior" of others. By
declaring themselves to be outside observers, victims assign power to
others. Victims may sigh that they are helpless to change a situation --
be it a dominating spouse, a difficult job, a community they dislike, etc.
-- but in truth this belief allows them to squirm out of action to change
the situation. They blame their spouse or boss or whoever is in the
wrong... and then become a martyr, perceiving that they can't change
the situation. This, in turn, spares victims the pain of giving up the
goodies, be it, for example, the comfort of marriage (even if it's
painful), the security of a pay check (even if they hate the job) or the
relief of not moving.

The sad reality is that victims are so busy shining their haloes and
feeling superior to the "wrong-doers" that few victims are really
interested in changing their behavior. But victimhood, whether
occasional or chronic, is a passive way of coping. Victims waste
energy on complaining instead of putting the energy into action where
it can serve a useful purpose. Complaining is an attempt to be
dominating because the victims do not help or do anything to change
the situation, they simply watch and comment about it, says Lauren.
But ultimately this is fruitless because human happiness is connected
to productivity and to making a difference. "To have the ability to fix
things that aren't working for us, to solve our own problems, this is
what feels good," she says. Fortunately, there is a path that leads out
of victimhood.

GETTING PAST VICTIMHOOD

Step One: Listen to your complaints. Victims' sighs and complaints
cover up a basic feeling -- fear. This is what often lies under the
behavior. Complaints often center on something or someone that truly
does make victims unhappy, but they are too frightened to take action,
even by just speaking up. Instead, they hide behind their whining
words. And so the first step away from being a victim is to listen
carefully to the content of your complaints and look for recurring
themes and what you avoid saying or doing.

Step Two: Locate the fear behind the complaints. The easy
rationale for complaining is that it is merely reporting, just observing
how it is. But life is not the weather and chronic complaints have an
emotional basis. That is where you will discover the fear. Let's say you
are upset about the "ridiculous" rules your company has for its
employees or perhaps the way your spouse is behaving, and you
regularly regale your friends about how put upon you are because of
them. The logical action is to quit talking about it and speak up and/or
move on. But "action always involves risk because there is no way to
predict its consequences," says Lauren, and giving up a job or a
marriage is scary territory with lots of risk.

However, if you go to the heart of the matter and identify your fear,
you empower yourself to make a choice. You know how you feel and
what you fear, and now you are in a position to decide what you want
to do with this. Will you take the risk of discussing your feelings with
your boss or spouse or even deciding to walk away? Will the pain of
change be greater or less than the pain of staying in the situation?
While action in the form of communication and/or physical change is
the most productive path, you may choose to stay in the current
situation, realizing that the pain of change would be too great. By
choosing not to change you are acting on real feelings, which makes
you no longer a victim in the situation. "Making a decision from a place
of honesty -- whatever the decision -- is a big step forward because it
negates the victims' belief that they have no choice in the matter,"
says Lauren. "They see that they have the power to choose to either
stay in a situation or leave it."

What about more global issues beyond your personal life such as
governmental decisions, the education system or the potential for a
bird flu pandemic? Here, too, you have several powerful options. You
can choose to get involved in the macro issues by working for or
volunteering for an organization that relates to the issue at hand. Or,
you can start a program of your own that addresses the issue (that's
how programs like Mothers Against Drunk Driving and the Special
Olympics were started). Or, you can choose to do nothing and allow
the "powers that be" to handle the situation. As long as you
consciously choose to accept the status quo, then you are shedding
the role of victim. But, this also means that you shed the role of
complaining when you hear or watch the actions being taken.

Step Three: Give up complaining. This is probably one of the most
incessant traits of victimhood. This occurs not only on an individual
basis, but has become pervasive in the media and among politicians,
which makes those who watch the news "victims of their victimhood."
Refusing to complain is a major shift but extremely freeing because it
shuts the valve to the emotional release found in victimhood. Instead
of voicing a complaint, look inward to determine why this bothers you -
- and what you can do about it. "The actions called for are generally
simple and obvious," says Lauren, "but starting anything is a brave
act." Instead of whining that you have no friends, make a plan about
how to meet new people. Rather than moan that your job is taking you
nowhere, decide what you want to do and start the process of
educating yourself for it. The first step you take toward a more
productive, victim-free life will lead to the next step... and the next...
until one day sooner than you may think, you are there.

www.BottomLineSecrets.com

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