How to Always Win

A New Understanding of How to Win Every Argument

Lauren H. Zander The Handel Group, LLC

A stellar characteristic of Americans has always been their ability to
compete, indeed to win. This zeal to achieve has accomplished many
wonderful things for our country and its citizens, including major
medical discoveries, unparalleled economic success, even liberty
itself. But after the extremely negative campaigning of the recent
elections, and the endless nightly debate about whether or not we are
winning the war on terror and who's to blame for what's right or wrong
in our country, I can't help but ask if our need to compete has gone
awry. It doesn't seem to be enough any more to succeed. What
worries me is people's need to take it a step further to prove they are
right, and sometimes, to prove they're right no matter what. You can
be sure that a win-at-all-costs attitude does not contribute to good
relationships on a global scale or, as concerns me here, to personal
relationships, which are, after all, the bedrock of a person's emotional
and physical well being.

For insight on this painful problem, I talked with Lauren Zander of
Handel Group Private Coaching (www.handelgroup.com). Lauren
points out that in every conversation, people have an agenda. It might
be to inform, to amuse, to get to know each other better or just to pass
the time -- there are lots of reasons for verbal exchanges. But when
the agenda includes ensuring that you are right, by definition it means
establishing that the other person is wrong. There isn't a conversation
in the world that doesn't ultimately come to a screeching halt if one or
both parties have the attitude that "I am right, you are wrong, now get
used to it." This is incredibly destructive to any relationship -- in the
Middle East, in the workplace, with your in-laws, or in the bedroom --
because it slams the door on any real possibility for a dialog. In fact,
Lauren says the battle to be "right" is at the base of all dysfunction, be
it wars between countries, conflicts at work or closer to home -- marital
or parent-child conflicts.

WHAT IS FACT?

There is a simple truth at play here. It is possible to be right -- look out
the window and if you see water falling from the clouds you can rightly
announce it is raining... or that the sun is shining... or that it is night or
day. While some philosophy students may debate this, obvious facts
of this nature fall neatly into a right/wrong category. But just about
everything else in the world is far more complex and dwells in the
world not of black and white, but of gray. This is the realm of
relativism, says Lauren, which means that what is right to me is
shaped by my point of view and isn't necessarily right to the other
person. Often our own point of view is shaped by misunderstandings
or misinterpretations that we assume to be hard fact. If you want a
relationship to work, she continues, the most important thing you can
do is understand that virtually every thought and opinion you have is
based on personal perception, not on fact.

Couples may argue that one spouse was being rude or unfair but the
so-called offending spouse doesn't see it that way. In fact, that person
no doubt thinks the other one was being unfair. Perspective is behind
the difference and determines why you both think you are right.

It is crucial to understand and accept that your perspective is not fact
and that both parties have a valid point of view. This is how
contradictory opinions can exist in a relationship without causing
disharmony. The problem is that most people are invested in their own
interpretation and perspective and are disinterested in the other
person's. Deep inside, people believe that by making themselves right
and their "opponent" wrong they'll "win," but this form of winning is not
necessarily the key to happiness or success. Once people are willing
to accept the existence of contradictory "truths," it changes the
dynamics of the discussion because no one is any longer trying to win.
Lauren calls this insistence on being right a manipulation, which is a
common human trick. People dress their opinion up in selfrighteousness
-- you have to accept what I am saying because I am
right! I am reminded of a couple I know who have different religious
beliefs. When he tries to open her thinking to even entertain the idea
that others see things differently, she responds "but I know I am right."
That ends the conversation -- and much to her frustration, ends her
attempts to convert him and win.

SEEKING A NEW DEFINITION OF VICTORY

While the need to win creates continuous and deep-seated
relationship dilemmas, it is possible for anyone to pull out of this
emotional quagmire and, in so doing, immediately improve interactions
with others -- including with those who are closest to you. It is no
longer about having one person right and one wrong. Rather, it is
listening to each other's "truths" completely so you have all version(s)
of the situation and accept that another person can have a different
opinion. Here is what Lauren advises to make this important change...

• Accept that most discussions, including yours, are not based
  on fact but rather on a relative point of view.
• Always evaluate if you are discussing fact (weather, the time,
  the color of your new car, etc.).
• Ask yourself if you are treating your platform as fact when it
  is actually your opinion (and if your discussion has become a
  battle, you can be sure opinions are the subject).
• Frame your conversation in words that convey not "this is how
  it is," but rather, "when you said this, what I meant was... " or
  "this is how it seemed to me" -- in other words, that you accept
  that your "truth" may be based on important misunderstandings
  that you believed to be true, and that each view of the situation
  as it was or is, not as an absolute truth.
• After someone speaks and shares their point of view, before
  you give yours, first say theirs back to them so they feel heard
  and understood. And be open to correction, because if you say
  something that didn't accurately capture their perspective, they
  should make sure you get it correctly.

CHANGE ONLY TAKES ONE

You may now be thinking that this is great for you, but what about the
other guy? If he won't change his position, what good will this do?
Take heart -- Lauren observes that when one person assumes
responsibility for accepting that his/her perspective is relative and
understands that aiming to "win" leaves everyone as losers, it is
sufficient to turn a discussion around. You have put one fact on the
table and that is there are two different points of view going on. Who
can argue with that? You allow the other his/her right to his view of the
truth -- but you also claim the right to yours. This acceptance
surpasses the need to win, allowing a peaceful negotiation of the
situation -- if not immediately than in the near future... and that is truly
winning in a far more constructive way.

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