How to Overcome the Hurdles of Change
Why People Fail Changing Their Lives and How to Succeed
Lauren H. Zander The Handel Group, LLC
Try as you might, you can't seem to get rid of those 15 extra pounds...
or quit smoking... or calm your combustible temper that gets you in
trouble and sets your blood pressure soaring. We all have trouble
spots like these -- nagging problems that we honestly want to
change... and try to change.
However, in spite of all the self-help books, expert advice and all the
tricks to "fool yourself into change" (like taping pictures of obese
people on the refrigerator, or serving food on smaller plates) the
change doesn't last long. Remember all those broken New Year's
resolutions? This can be disappointing and make you feel as if the
problem is insurmountable.
But the thing that I've noticed over the years is that the times that I
have made a significant and lasting change in my life, the change is
precipitated by a shift in my perception and understanding of the
challenge. One day I get a different understanding of the issue, and
something goes "click" in my head... I simply realize that I want to
change the behavior -- and I do it. This happened when I stopped
eating foods with processed sugar. It also happened when I stopped
losing my temper with my children. One day I got a different
perspective on those behaviors and realized that I truly didn't want to
do them anymore. After the realization, behaving differently was easy.
What is this click that went off inside me? How did I come to it? And
what can people do to bring about a click when they need one? For
insight on this intriguing challenge, I spoke with life coach Lauren
Zander, principal of Handel Group Private Coaching
(www.handelgroup.com).
DEFINING THE CLICK
The click actually isn't that mysterious, says Lauren. What it is quite
simply is a profound realization that you are done with the old way of
doing things. We all have areas of life where we've declared
something done. Whether it's being done with meaningless dating,
done with smoking, done tolerating a bad relationship... we all have
areas of life where we have come to an insight that shifts reality for us,
starting with the declaration that we're done. For example, the day I
decided not to lose my temper at my children any more, I also saw
how childish I was behaving when I would argue with them.
This realization might come on gradually or it could be a sudden
onset, but whichever way it comes to you, it is a deep, clear
recognition that it is absolutely possible for you to do or be something
other than how you are now. What's holding us back? Lauren
explained that most of us walk around pretending to ourselves that we
are "trying really hard" or "doing the best we can" or "doing a good
job." In reality, our reasons are virtually always the culprit. The
"reasons," justifications and excuses keep us from making the real
change that is required.
For example, Lauren explains she spent years disappointed that her
home was messy, disorganized and somewhat unpleasant for her to
be in, but "explained" it to herself with a private litany of excuses --
including that the mess wasn't hers, but her family's... that she was
already spending too much time cleaning up after them... and that they
weren't interested in changing. Then, one day, she saw the sadness of
her helplessness and didn't like what she saw. This gave her the
impetus to change her point of view about it, which in turn helped her
realize that she could change the situation.
Step one is to create new rules you can live with. On the day you
realize you're actually in charge of your choices and your life --
whether it's your temper, your weight, even your marriage -- and you
give up the right to all your good excuses, the previously
insurmountable roadblocks cease to block you any longer.
Lauren explains that people who continue to wallow in "change-worthy
behavior" do so in part because they don't want to deal with the effort
of living up to their own standard, so they tolerate their behavior, even
feel bad about it, and pretend they've been "trying." They've had the
behavior forever, they've even tried to change multiple times and
failed repeatedly. But they just keep doing it. Lauren calls this the
farce of "trying hard."
Once the click has occurred, people no longer tolerate their excuses
because they have replaced them with the deep understanding that...
The desired outcome is altogether possible.
They can be done with their prior behavior.
Their explanations and reasons were justifications that kept them
from doing what is best.
Feeling bad is a diversion to keep you from dealing with the
change.
ORIGINS OF CLICK
There are three situations that can trigger the click. Occasionally it's
inspiration that brings it about. Maybe your child begs you to quit
smoking, or you read a book that touches your psyche. Perhaps
someone you know struggled and conquered a similar problem and
you realized that, yes, you could do that too.
The second situation is more familiar -- people reach the point of
being, as Lauren describes it, "at their wit's end" at hanging on to a
problem. This explains why many people find it takes four or five
attempts to quit smoking. They reach the point of becoming so sick of
a habit they know is killing them that they reach their wit's end --- their
brain screams "enough," and at last they get the click.
The third reason is also the most common one -- life delivers a blow or
a dilemma you can neither deny nor run from and so you must
respond. You have a heart attack and must lose weight. Your boss
informs you that a bad habit is threatening your job. Your spouse
warns that a divorce may lie ahead. Whatever the occurrence, it
genuinely scares you enough to put a critical mass of energy in motion
and get you started in pursuit of a better way.
HOW TO FIND YOUR CLICK
If life doesn't deliver you a blow, there are things you can do that will
stimulate the emergence of a click and, in turn, a change in behavior,
says Lauren. To help you get to the point of asking "haven't I had
enough of myself?", put the following questions to the test...
What impact am I having or what's the impact on me and on
others regarding the current situation? Write this out. For
example -- if you get angry, you need to see that you're no fun to
be with, and even worse, you're righteous about your opinion.
Do you really have to ruin your mood and everyone else's mood
to make your point? It really is emotionally upsetting to all
involved to hold onto the "bad" behavior.
What benefit do I gain from my "bad" behavior? Consider
whether the bad behavior is protecting you from confronting a
challenge. Or, is it making you feel better? Making you feel
loved? Write it all out to get to the bottom of it.
Who are the people I surround myself with? Spending time
with people who are in the same negative place as you have
been and people who are using the same excuses for being
there is holding you back.
What people are having the kind of life I would like for
myself? Find these people and surround yourself with them -- it
is a powerful way to reinforce your belief that this is possible and
it will provide a behavior for you to model.
Are the thoughts that stream through my mind a running
litany of excuses that hold me back? You're justified to be
angry... you need the ice cream to feel better... you can't quit
smoking, you've tried before. These are all examples of lies.
Catch them as they surface and refuse to let them remain in your
mind to nag at your new beliefs.
The good news is that once you have that click and start on your way,
your new path is clear and the "old behavior" no longer nags at you.
This is because the click shifted your energy and it is now in a place to
keep you moving forward. Lauren does caution about one thing,
though. If you fall down on your new standards now and then, don't
waste time feeling bad about it. Feeling bad is a trap, she warns,
because it allows you to pretend you were not in charge of the choice.
Instead, be proud that you're working on this area, that you're catching
yourself when you fail, and remind yourself of the thinking that gave
you the click in the first place. Then get back to work.
www.BottomLineSecrets.com
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