Simple Secret to Health and Happiness

Being True to Yourself Allows Happiness to Spread

Lauren H. Zander The Handel Group, LLC

To thine own self be true. These are the famous words from William
Shakespeare's Hamlet, as the character Polonius provides fatherly
advice to his son Laertes as he leaves on a journey. Over 350 years
later, Shakespeare's words take on new meaning in a world overtaken
by deceptive leaders (political, corporate and even religious leaders
have all made headlines demonstrating their ingenuineness) and
enamored by celebrity, despite it being rooted in pretention. In a world
mired in fakeness and the negative energy that emanates from it, I
thought it was important to look at the power of being true to "thine
self" and living a life of integrity rather than falsehood. This is an
important issue, in no small part because happiness contributes to
good health, as many studies have demonstrated. For insights on how
people can increase their authenticity ratings for better health, I spoke
with executive coach Lauren Zander, principal, Handel Group Private
Coaching, who regularly teaches the path to honesty as part of
guiding their clients to a more fulfilling life.

PERSONAL AUTHENTICITY DEFINED

According to Lauren, we put a "false persona" out to the world in an
effort to protect our real self from all that is wrong or rude or offensive.
In order to stay safe, we end up doing or saying things that go against
our true nature in order to please others or the world around us. Hiding
behind this false persona in turn creates insecurity since people are
now living a lie. Many believe this disquiet leads to disease. In
contrast, personal authenticity is an unflinching recognition and
acceptance of your values -- what really matters to you -- and the
absolute truth about what you think and feel.
To become authentic means to explore in complete candor your real
thoughts and feelings about yourself, others and life itself. Personal
authenticity can exist only when you are willing to put aside everything
you think you should believe in -- in order to "fit in" to the world or to
avoid conflict in relationships. You want to be free to be honest about
how you feel, what you believe and what you have done. To be free is
to be yourself fully with nothing hidden. Do you really believe the war
on terror is a good thing when those around you are anti-Bush? Do
you believe that you should stay home with your children and put your
career aside when family and friends feel strongly that the life of a
working mother is what you should do? How about participating in
family celebrations with the in-laws... or, staying in a marriage that is
not working? It's all about not living a life of pretending to be a certain
way, but instead to live a life that is true to your own soul.
This pursuit frequently takes people into sticky territory. The reason:
More often than not, people have spent most of their life assuming that
their innermost thoughts, beliefs and feelings are not okay. By
adulthood, most people have created a broad and effective mask over
their real thoughts and feelings. This is why people can rationalize that
they are fine with a job they actually hate because, "all jobs are a
grind," or deny an unhappy marriage by saying, "oh, you know, no
marriage is a picnic." Without personal authenticity people can also
justify that proven truths matter to them, something that is particularly
dangerous when it comes to health. Smokers, for example, will excuse
their lethal habit with this gem: "Everyone has to die of something."

FINDING YOUR REAL VOICE

Finding your authentic self requires listening to the voice in your head,
despite the temperament, which often changes... and everyone has
many alternating temperaments, says Lauren. There is the victim
voice, the irate voice, the all-knowing voice, the comedian -- and on
and on. Somewhere among those voices, though, if you listen
carefully, is your real voice, though it may be deeply hidden. Your real
voice is the one that comes to you in your quiet time and private
thoughts. It's often the voice that screams from inside whenever you
say "yes" to something but really mean "no." Or, when you say one
thing out loud, but grumble something else silently to yourself later.
Accept and embrace that background voice, for this is your truth, even
when it is uncomfortable to recognize. The thing that you are saying to
yourself silently is the real you. Developing personal authenticity
requires getting rid of the voice in the front and getting the voice in the
background to be that voice in the front. As you become more
practiced in establishing what is your true voice, you'll find it has a lot
to say. By keeping yourself aware and receptive to your truths, you put
yourself in a position to make honest decisions about the way you
conduct your life. The inner voice that is the real you needs to be
actively developed, with rules and laws to weaken the other voices.
This will give you the strength and confidence to make choices in your
life that are right for you.

AUTHENTICITY IN RELATIONSHIPS

Being authentic is crucial to good relationships -- those with your
spouse, a family member, co-workers or friends. Unfortunately, people
routinely hide from revealing their inner thoughts about the other
person for fear of hurt feelings, says Lauren. Hiding what you think
doesn't help you grow up or help relationships. It helps you be a really
good pretender, says Lauren, and it is a great excuse for why
something stays unsatisfying. People frequently will tell their true
thoughts about, say, their spouse to a good friend, but they hide these
same thoughts from their mate, the only person who could really
change the situation. "I don't talk about that because it would upset
him," is how they explain away their silence. The unhappy result,
though, is that they don't evolve and grow their marriage. By
manipulating the relationship to maintain what is, on the surface, a
conflict-free status quo, they maintain a relationship that is stuck in
dissatisfaction and ultimately shallow.

People often have problems with the idea of expressing their true
thoughts because they think the conversation will get them in trouble
or will hurt someone's feelings.

However, it is possible to be absolutely truthful without being hurtful,
which is what Lauren spends much of their time teaching clients to do.
First, of course, you have to become cognizant of your own truths.
Then, to understand that just as you have "your truth," the others in
your life have their truth. By recognizing, accepting and honoring that
this right exists in both you and your spouse's heads, you can agree to
explore your observations and feelings together based on mutual
respect and trust. This leads to true intimacy and a more effective
working relationship.

To prepare for honest communication, Lauren has her clients prepare
a list that includes their pet peeves about the other person. These
peeves need to see the light of day because they have existed and
have been growing in the person's head, sometimes for years... and
the person has been gathering what she calls evidence for her
theories all that time -- the other person's words or behaviors that back
up the belief. In reviewing the list with clients, often times, Lauren
says, people discover that they are carrying around a false or left-over
theory that, when articulated fully, is not even accurate. Once the list
has been created and reviewed, by correctly framing the conversation,
even scary conversations can engender closeness.
Lauren recommends the following outline for framing the
conversations called "Clearing Pet Peeves"...

Explain first that you recognize that the subject you are bringing
up is not "the truth," but rather how you perceive the situation.

Explain to the other person that your love and commitment to
having a great relationship is why this conversation is important.
In other words, let him/her know he/she is not on shaky ground
with you.

Introduce the subject that is troubling you -- tell the other person
that you want to share what you are experiencing with him and
want his help in finding a clear path for the future.

Above all, do not use accusatory words... recognize you are
sharing your truth and want them to share theirs... and, be as
interested in their truths as you want them to be in yours.

The moment you tell your whole truth with no "couching," lies or
omissions, you and whomever you speak to will be in the same
version of reality with one another.

Without question, it seems easier to stay silent about your inner voice,
opinions and actions, but this long-range cost is high. Your hidden life,
the unspoken gripes and concerns, the hidden experiences and
behaviors, and the pretended feelings create distance in the
relationship or in yourself. It is truth alone that builds and maintains
health and well being for you and a strong life-long bridge in your
relationships.

www.BottomLineSecrets.com

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