Talking to Someone Who Doesn't "Get It"

How to Mesh Different Communication Styles for Success

A constant conflict is going on across the country in homes, offices,
boardrooms, schools... you name it. The trouble is expressed in these
few words -- "You just don't understand." While it's commonly thought
that this is a male-female battle, more often than not the conflict is
between people who think with their heads versus those who "think"
with their hearts. It is true, says life coach Lauren Zander of The
HandelGroup -- all too often head and heart people really don't
understand each other as one tries to logic out a problem, leaving the
other feeling hurt or unheard. I spoke with Lauren to find out what
people can do to resolve this age-old conflict in order to not only work
and live together better, but also to understand that the differences
can be of benefit to all involved.

UNIQUE GIFTS

In general, says Lauren, head people don't dwell on their feelings,
functioning instead in an unfettered, logical world that enables them to
simplify and resolve challenges quickly. The pattern is reversed in
heart people, who are loaded with feelings and must work through
their sensitivity, empathy and compassion in order to find solutions --
often in a slower, more circuitous fashion. Both types bring a great
deal to life... and to each other. Indeed, life would be boring without
having opposite personalities around. But to truly appreciate either
approach -- including the one that comes naturally to you -- it is
important to respect the validity of both.

First you need to determine exactly which camp you belong to, which
may not be as easy as it seems. Some people can clearly see
themselves as generally quite logical or quite emotional. But, many
others are easily influenced by the people around them -- becoming
more logical when surrounded by very sensitive folks or sometimes
allowing their creative side to come out when they are with like-minded
individuals. Lauren says that most people are either/or -- with
exceptions around certain topics, such as discipline for kids. To figure
out your type, observe yourself for a time and listen carefully for your
true instinctive and immediate responses to a variety of life situations.
Also, pay attention to what you wish you could "fix" about another
person. Do you feel he/she should understand more, or instead be
quicker, more sensible? Typically, people want to change others to be
more like themselves.

BOTH ARE BEST

A common trap is to think, like high-school cheering squads, that your
team is the best team. But head or heart is not better -- just different.
Assuming superiority breeds arrogance, which makes working
together virtually impossible. To find out if you are judging the other
camp, use the following arrogance meter:

Do you roll your eyes (if even to yourself) when someone from
the other camp has a "typical" response?

Do you tend to cut people off when their reactions seem just so...
odd?

Are you angry when told you need to stay within time limits on a
project or make a decision about a future plan?

Does a lack of caring on the other's part seem almost, well,
criminal to you at times?

Is it especially irritating to you when people seem to go on and
on?

Even one or two yeses indicate some arrogance and you can bet it
causes dysfunction in your relationships with people different from
you. The reason: Arrogance about the "right" camp shows you have
little regard for the other, and may actually blame those people for
being the way they are. Lauren says this is common in the working
world -- the business side gets frustrated because the creative
departments aren't moving fast enough... the creatives are furious that
the numbers people are asking them to meet a schedule. In marriages
the clash pops up in a different way. The logical partner sighs that the
other is being "too sensitive." The heart partner feels dismissed,
leaving the head partner skulking away in rejection for "just trying to
help."

THE YIN AND YANG OF THE HEAD AND HEART

As frustrating as it may be at first, fundamentally, head and heart
people need each other. For instance, head people excel at discipline,
but they may not find it easy to have fun. Heart people may find it
challenging to structure themselves, but are really good at knowing
how to enjoy life. An example: I used to become incredibly frustrated
by my extremely logical brother -- however, understanding our
differences has allowed me to not only respect but also totally
appreciate his perspective on life. I now realize that he provides
insights that my more intuitive self is not capable of seeing. Understanding how the two groups actually complement each other
allows a much richer and happier experience for all involved. The
challenge then is getting past the mutual distrust and disdain to enable
creation of a shared life. Here is what Lauren advises:

Become confident in your own style, but with appreciation of the
other. This will eliminate fights about who is right and shift your
focus to how best to work together.

Learn to listen carefully and with empathy. It matters not whether
you are a head person or a heart person -- everyone needs to
feel heard and understood.

Be honest when you become arrogant and frustrated with
someone's different style... an apology may help to reconnect
you.

What it all comes down to is learning to accept -- and to love -- each
other just for what you are. It is really very simple, says Lauren. Just
as cats have their nature and dogs have theirs, so do people. Fill
yourself with appreciation for one another's nature and in time you'll be
cheering, vive le difference!