What Happy People Know That You Don't

Why Loving Yourself and Others for Who They Are Makes Life
Happier and Easier

Lauren H. Zander The Handel Group, LLC

I once worked with a woman who vacuumed her house every single
morning -- before she left for work. Now I knew this about my
colleague only because her young daughter dropped it one day in
casual conversation... her attitude being one of "Doesn't everybody?"
Well, no, everybody doesn't... but neither does it matter. Still, my
colleague considered her cleaning addiction crazy enough that she
kept it her little secret. The truth is, every one of us has crazy
behaviors and beliefs. These are what one character in the movie
"The Family Stone" referred to as a freak flag. And how much easier it
would be, the movie implies, if we all carried around "freak flags" that
announced our personal craziness for the world to see.

WHAT IS YOUR FREAK FLAG?

Life coach Lauren Zander of The Handel Group
(www.handelgroup.com) agrees completely with the concept of flying
personal freak flags. Being upfront about our crazy quirks is not only
truthful, she says, it also acknowledges that everyone has a variety of
them. They belong to and brand us and are the interesting things we
do that make us human. She notes that a giant realm of personal
craziness includes the category of food and eating -- from chowing
down behind closed doors to never co-mingling foods on a plate.
However, crazy quirks aren't just neuroses, obsessive compulsive
disorders or about social addictions to food or drink -- they can include
all sorts of personal habits, including making lists to stay organized,
sleeping with the lights on, hating to be reminded (nagged?) about
things by others, going out in public with uncombed hair or never
letting your gas tank get below half full.

Sexuality is another big area of personal quirks and preferences.
Although universal, most people feel too weird about their sexual
attitudes and ideas to speak honestly about them. Professional
athletes have their crazy secret beliefs about what will help them win a
tournament. Children have rituals, objects or imaginary friends they
use to help them feel safe. Grown-ups have a wide variety of
behaviors or harmless biases they cling to for a bevy of reasons.
Example: Ask pack rats why they insist on keeping all that "stuff" with
no obvious worth or value.

Freak flags have both humor and humanity, but most people choose
to hide, explain or justify their foibles and thereby turn them into issues
in their own heads rather than simply accepting them as their own
humanity. What's sad is that people end up feeling the need to hide it
or explain it away due to the fear that others will ridicule their personal
freakiness. This fear, says Lauren, keeps people from owning up to
who they are. The cover-up that follows leads into dangerous territory
because it robs people of the opportunity to make choices concerning
their personal freakiness.

THE BROTHERHOOD OF MAN

As human beings, we are all in the same interesting and weird boat,
Lauren observes, trying to grow up and deal with our small vices -- but
at the same time wanting to be "normal" and look good to others. Let it
go, she says. Claim the joy to be found in admitting to your quirks.
Fessing up to the crazy quirks is funny and freeing and endows people
with a new sense of control about their behavior.

Accepting your own quirks also provides an opportunity for a whole
new understanding of the quirks and freakiness of your spouse, kids,
parents and friends. A huge percentage of marital squabbles involve
one spouse's intolerance of the other spouse's quirks -- remember the
classic toothpaste tube argument? Everyone around you has his/her
own set of quirks that you can either learn to love as part of who that
person is... or you can let them drive you crazy. I have a friend who
never sends thank you notes -- not even for her wedding or baby gifts.
I know that she is a loving and generous and devoted friend. So, I
accept that she is not wired to send thank you notes. Some people
might sever a relationship over not being thanked and sacrifice all the
great things that are part of that lifelong relationship.

Flying freak flags and saluting the flags of others introduces
compassion and tolerance, an acceptance that we are all part of
humanity and there is no way to throw stones.

FINDING YOUR OWN

It is possible that crazy quirks are so well hidden they are hard even
for the individual to find. To find yours, Lauren advises looking first for
any behavior or attitude you don't want other people to know about.
That is certain to be a freak flag candidate. Another place to look: At
your grievances and annoyances about other people. If certain things
about others really bug you, chances are strong that there is a little
personal freak flag in there. As an example, Lauren notes that
arrogance in others makes some people furious, but probably they
carry around arrogance themselves, just better disguised. Because
people are not generally bothered by behaviors that don't exist
somewhere in themselves, being upset is a big signal to go looking at
that. Identifying it and accepting that bit of freakiness will loosen the
steam you have built about your grievance and annoyance about
others, Lauren says.

It may feel scary to fly a freak flag at first, but be brave. It won't take
long to start experiencing the rewards. By admitting to your own
craziness you bring a fresh openness in your dialog with others. By
acknowledging, for example, that my husband is right in telling me that
I sometimes forget things if I don't write them down allows us to have
fun with my "forgetful-ism" and also creates a structure in our
relationship that supports my need to write things down. It's now a big
family loving joke about the notes I leave for myself for fear of
forgetting. Being honest about yourself, stripped of spinning and lying,
gives people around you permission to put up their flags as well.
Flying the flags breaks down the boundaries between you and the
barriers to real human nature -- at last, everyone starts to be who they
really are.

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