Whining Ways
Unmasking the Whiner In all of Us
Lauren H. Zander The Handel Group, LLC
Whining is one of the childhood behaviors most disliked by adults --
it's plain annoying, grating and unproductive. Meanwhile, it's also a
behavior that many adults still engage in -- a lot. In fact, according to
Lauren Zander of Handel Group Private Coaching
(www.handelgroup.com), a personal coaching firm that helps
individuals and corporations reach their true potential, most adults
have carefully disguised their whining by removing the irritating
intonation from their voice or simply by doing most of their whining in
their own heads, to a spouse or to a best friend. But that doesn't make
whining any less toxic.
No matter the form, whining is highly unproductive for the simple
reason that it takes the place of proactively taking action to change
things. As such, it becomes a major stumbling block standing in the
way of healthier habits, a richer and more fulfilling life and better, more
loving relationships. Once you're aware of how prevalent whining is,
you'll understand why I wanted to share Lauren's philosophy on how
to rid ourselves and our world of whining.
THE WHYS OF WHINING
People whine when they feel powerless -- or at least when they think
they're powerless. Children form the habit of whining because they
quickly learn it can get them something they want that they can't (or
choose not to) get for themselves. Say a child can't reach the milk on
the counter -- whine to mom and it's pretty much a given that she'll
hand it over. Adults can reach the milk, of course, but like the child,
they sometimes feel as if they, too, are powerless to get what they
want. The result is the grown-up whine, often what Lauren terms the
"I'm so helpless," whine. Example: "I'd really love to meet you for
dinner, but I'm so overwhelmed with ridiculous deadlines at work, I
don't see how I can possibly go out." The "I'm helpless" whine in fact
masks what Lauren calls a "complaint." While this example is a whine
that is actually a complaint about being overworked, whine complaints
can be about anything -- a spouse, your health, your body or
numerous other things. Whatever its specific content, any whine is a
danger signal that you have convinced yourself that you are powerless
to change the situation and get what you want.
If whining reinforces individuals' lack of power, then why do they do it?
Oddly, the disappointment and sadness inherent to a whine are also
the basis of its rewards. Showing you are sad or disappointed brings a
certain sense of virtue -- because you whine it shows that you care.
You wish the situation were different, but it's not your fault, you are
helpless to change it and you accept that "fact." It actually frees the
individual from having to take responsibility to change the situation
while allowing him to pretend that he is making an effort to change it.
THE GUILT-RIDDEN WHINE
There is another form of whine that Lauren calls the "guilt-ridden
whine," which is in reality a strategic manipulation through guilt. For
example, a woman may whine to her husband that all of her friends
have new fur coats and they are so lucky. The husband might whine
that he eats alone most nights of the week because his wife works
such long hours. These are emotional responses that clearly have a
request within (the husband wants his wife home, the wife wants a fur
coat), but whiners don't see that. In fact, rather than ask outright for
what they want, the whiners instead indulge in pity parties where they
tell their tales of misery and gain sympathy from colleagues and
friends. While this strategy gives the individual sympathy, he or she
does not get what he really wants -- in these examples, the coat or the
wife's companionship.
TAKING ACTION FOR WHAT YOU WANT
Given how often people whine, it is actually very difficult for them to
recognize they are doing it and why. But if you don't identify the whine,
you can't stop it or change the circumstances, says Lauren.
She advises searching back through the last three days of your interior
running monologue and conversations with close friends to highlight,
specifically, the subjects that expressed sadness and disappointment
and write them down. Think about what you complained about to
yourself or to others. You might discover your repeating theme has to
do with your job, a desire to live elsewhere or how you wish it were
possible for you to lose weight or quit smoking. You will likely find popup
whines as well... for example, how much you'd love to buy a new
suit or take a weekend at the beach. By seeing these thoughts for the
whines they are -- hidden desires for change -- and then bringing them
out of the closet, you start a potentially powerful process, says Lauren.
Without recognition, whining continues to be a trap because it's a
pacifier that keeps you stuck rather than acting to change your life.
You feel as if you're doing something about what is bothering you
because you talk about it. The reality, however, is that you are not.
With your list in hand, you can look at it and decide what you want to
change, what you want to drop and what you're willing to accept --
without whining about it.
ADULTS ARE CHILDREN, TOO
To correct a whiny child, experts advise saying this: "When you ask
me for what you want instead of whining, I'll get it for you." There is
wisdom in those words for adults as well. Often an investigation
demands searching behind the whine to figure out what you actually
want to ask for. Let's say, for example, that your running monologue to
yourself and others concerns your spouse's many golf games. Is the
real problem the trips or the fact that you are feeling neglected in the
marriage and that is what you need to resolve? Once you realize the
issue and address what your real needs are, the frequent business
trips may be annoying, but you will no longer whine about them
because you will have addressed the real issue.
Finally, if and how you whine about other people might contain an
important insight about a blind spot in your own life, says Lauren. If
you find yourself whining about how your friend is doing nothing to
correct her foundering marriage or how another friend is ignoring his
poor financial structure, ask yourself if the message is really about
your own marriage or finances. Often, says Lauren, what people
whine about in others is a perfect signpost for what they need to work
on in their own life and a signal that it's time to address it.
www.BottomLineSecrets.com
Bottom Line Publications publishes the opinions of leading authorities in many fields. But the
use of these opinions is no substitute for legal, accounting, investment, medical and other
professional services to suit your specific personal needs. Always consult a competent
professional for answers to your specific questions.
About Us | Privacy Policy | Copyright Policy
Free E-mail Letters | Update E-mail Preferences
Copyright © 2007 by Boardroom Inc.
