Fight The Real War
We humans generally avoid saying how we really feel to each other because we think we already know what the other person will think, say or how they will react and it's usually bad. We collect evidence to support our theories and then we chat about it with other people to prove our points. We could call this creating a conspiracy. Chatting in our heads and collecting evidence creates an imaginary war of "us against them.” The real battle is to stop talking to yourself & others and have the courage to tell your truth to the person who really ought to hear it.
Case in point - Christine Kleaka, HG Private Coaching Client:
A bomb was dropped on the Kleaka household this weekend. My youngest son, Ken, came home for the weekend with his newest girlfriend, Tara. I had only met her one other time. They weren't in the house more than 5 minutes when they announced to me that they were engaged!! If that weren't enough, they gave me an early Mother's Day gift. When I opened it, I almost fell off my chair that I had already fallen into with the other news. There in my hands was a framed picture of her sonogram. She's 9 weeks pregnant!! I was in shock until the next day when it finally struck full force while I was shopping. I had a melt-down in the card shop while I was trying to buy some Mother's Day cards.
On Saturday everyone was acting like nothing was different. I prayed a lot, asking for help with talking to them. I wanted to be honest and talk to them truthfully, trying to use what I have been learning from my coaching classes. I didn’t want to sound phony and act like I was ignoring the real issue. I wanted them to hear what I had to say and understand the impact of their decision. I knew I had to do it in a way that would not make matters worse. So, I decided to write a letter to Ken and Tara. It wasn't a letter to scold them (they're almost 30 years old), but it was more to say "My feelings got hurt; I understand and will respect the choice you’ve made; here is what I would have preferred and expected". I asked the whole family to sit in the living room with me while I read it out loud. You could have heard a pin drop. There was a lot of emotion in the room that night.
But, when I was done reading the letter, it opened the door for a wonderful family discussion that went on for a few hours. I think my kids were very surprised that I did this because I've never done anything like that before. They all seemed to be very moved by the letter. I told Tara, that if this was the choice that the two of them wanted, then we are now her family and that I would stand by their decision. I can't change what has been done, but I would be there to support them (not financially) and help however I could. I'm still processing everything, but am already making plans for a baby shower in November for them. I just pray to God that he gives them the guidance and perseverance to follow through with their dreams.
On Sunday morning, Ken and Tara asked me if they could have a copy of the letter. That made me feel so good. Obviously, it made an impression on them!
Go Ahead! Talk! Say how you really feel. IT’S REALLY OK!
And we bet it goes far better than you could imagine.
Here are some tips on having difficult conversations:
1. Set a specific time - we mostly don’t set up our environment & schedule well to allow for a successful conversation - we try it in the middle of dinner or in traffic or the like. Set up a specific time, give yourself plenty of time (1 hour at least), make sure there will be no distractions, no kids, turn cell phones off etc. Create a sacred space to spill your guts and be able to listen fully.
2. Write a letter - write it all down, every thought, feeling, question you have about the upset. Write the letter to the person you are upset with. Practice reading it out loud to see if it all still sounds accurate and represents you well. Try to edit out “fighting-dirty”, as in bringing up old issues that have nothing to do with this one and blatantly mean statements that won’t further the conversation.
3. Manifest - Visualize & imagine how you would like the conversation to go - see it in your mind, feel it, what will they say to you, how will they respond. (Remember this is how you actually want it to go, not how your afraid it might go - big difference.)
4. Set the rules - When its time to talk, ask the person to just listen, no interrupting, reassure them this is just your version of the story and you just need to feel heard and understood.
If your situation seems impossible or too scary to handle alone - we
recommend you get a coach to guide you through your particular situation. Some conversations may be a long time in the making and may require more preparation. Send us an E-mail and set up a coaching session. If this is your first time coaching, your first session is only $75.00/hr. Give it a try, it’s time.
