My Side.
I am sure many of you are wondering about my side of the story that Jessica spoke about a few weeks back. Let me tell you what the journey was like for me. In September of 2007, I was engaged to be married to Jessica. We had planned an August 8th, 2008 wedding (8.8.08). Then it all came crashing down. What I didn't know at that time was that the foundation of our relationship was already crumbling, and all it needed for it to tumble down was a real strong wind, instead I got an earthquake.
On September 20th of 2007, I had traveled down to NC to tell my 2 younger daughters, that I was going to get remarried. On Saturday September 22nd Jessica spent the night with a co-worker and had sex with him. She did not at first confess this to me. I had known she had gone out with friends to an Ohio State Football game tailgate party. I had spoken to her at various times during the day and early evening. It was obvious to me she had been drinking a lot, but after all she was at a tailgate party.
I arrived back home on Sunday around noon. Jessica had been sleeping and was tired from the night before. Little did I know that she had only been home for a few hours. Something did not seem right, but I didn't deal with it. I knew something was wrong, but I was too much of a chicken to say anything.
The next few days were just strange. I remembered the morning of the day she told me (Wednesday September 25th), I had extra bad feelings. I knew something had happened over the weekend. When she drove off for work I remember saying out loud to myself. "What's Wrong Jessica?"
When she called me at around 11:30am and told me that she was coming home right away, and had to tell me something, I already knew what it was, I just didn't know the details.
As she told me that she did the one thing that I said would make me leave her, I felt so cold inside. I was totally numb. My first reaction was anger, but I stayed calm. Too calm in retrospect, I actually began to reason this out. Some how thinking it was partly my fault, and wondering what could I have done differently.
Bottom line, this incident changed me forever. Had it not been for my best friend, I would have kicked Jessica out. I remember him telling me, "Forget what others might tell you to do; you need to do what you want to do." It took about 3 weeks for me to realize that I was the one with the decision to make and no one else.
Together with the support of my coach and the Handel Method I began first to rebuild myself, which in turn would allow me to rebuild my relationship with Jessica. Through coaching I realized that incidents such as this do not happen overnight, they are years in the making. This started well before I met Jessica. I too am a cheater, so it's no surprise that Jessica and I attracted each other. In fact, when Jessica and I first met we were still married, and we both cheated on our respective spouses with each other. I cheated on my first wife multiple times and nearly cheated on Jessica. As you can tell we are two peas in a pod. Was I really so surprised that she cheated first?
Through coaching I started to come to terms with my part in what happened. I had to deal with not only my crimes against the relationship but also my history and family history that I now know impacts me. I chose not to play the victim. For me to heal and to become stronger in who I was, and what I really wanted out of my life, I had to begin to fix me. If that meant that Jessica and I would not be together then I had to be okay with that, but if we stayed together, and both of us were willing to heal together, then I had to be totally committed to making that happen. Either way I was going to be a better and stronger person in the end. I had to stop being afraid of loss, and of being alone.
With my coach we laid out the groundwork for facing my fears and ending my chickenhood. I had to start believing I am a wonderful man, and any women would be lucky to have me. I would have to begin to conquer all my deepest fears. I knew it would take a lot of work and the odds were against Jessica and me to stay together. I had read that 88% of all couples where one or the other partner had cheated did not stay together. I was determined to give my best effort to be part of that 12% that made it.
On August 16th 2008, with my heart bursting with joy, in front of friends and family, on a beautiful beach in St. Thomas V.I. Jessica and I were married.
This is not the end of the story, but only a new beginning.
