Especially you ladies (and yes, I am going to generalize here; please forgive me and know that I know no generalizations are totally true), you are going to need to stop withholding your pleasure from your mates and dates. Your pleasure is what makes the world go round. Go ahead, smile. Doesn't that feel good? Now think of something you love completely. Mmmmm, even better. Can you sense that your lover (or potential lover) can feel your pleasure, your good vibe and it makes him/her happier too? Wow, that is POWER!
On some level, you know you have this power and you use it. But often you use it for evil, not for good. Okay, I am being funny, but you have to get my point. Remember the last time you purposely withheld your satisfaction about something. Most likely it was with your mate or potential mate. You thought punishing him would teach him, and then maybe he'd do better. You've been trying that strategy for so long. And he has been trying to please you for so long, but you are both getting tired.
How do I know about this pattern? Because I was an expert in it. I still fall back on it sometimes if I am overwhelmed or not being responsible in my own life. I actually think I can get great results out of my husband by being displeased and convincing him it's his fault and he has to do something different to make me happy. Since he loves to make me happy, he falls for it and tries, forgetting only I can actually control my happiness and I feel better when I take responsibility for that! This strategy is almost like beating a horse to make it gallop faster or beating a child as discipline. It is cruel. We don't realize the negative impact and it does NOT yield the results we want. So let's stop.
First, you have to recognize how and where you do it, so I am going to give you some examples from my own life and my client's lives to jog your mind:
1) Being displeased by behavior - This could be how he does the dishes, cleans up after the dog, how he talks to his mother (or doesn't) or in my case, how he handles his excess phlegm. Complaining and nagging and threatening will wear him down eventually, won't it?
2) Being displeased about his station in life - This is the worst. He just isn't good enough for you. He doesn't make enough money or exercise enough. He is not spiritual enough for you or he has an addiction you just can't stand and you really think being upset with him is going to change that.
3) Withholding sexual pleasure - This could be in the form of simply not having sex or rarely having sex or refusing to be pleasured by your mate. I have "inexperienced" clients who are not even interested in learning how to have orgasms. This makes me so sad because giving someone an orgasm is so gratifying. You think he should magically know what feels good. Or you just know it's a great power play to be unpleasable. You keep the upper hand, very smart.
Too bad having the upper hand never leads to love, connectedness or intimacy. This is what I have learned with my partner of 18 years, Will -- the hard way. Finally, it's getting really good and hot! Let Will tell you his side of the story during the teleseminar he leads on “How to Stay in Love”).
Here are some of the things we want you to know.
- Your pleasure is incredibly important to the partnership and you are going to have to start making it a priority.
- You are going to have to learn how to ask nicely for what you want (specifically and with no shame), and without the implication that he should have already known or is responsible for your happiness. Recently, I asked my husband to make more eye contact with me and he is doing it; it's lovely. Sometimes I have to remind him, but that's okay because he knows he won't be punished.
- In some cases, you will need to "put out" before you feel like it, and I don't just mean sex. Conjure up a memory of why you chose that person and make him your hero for once.
You set the tone. You are the muse. You create the spark. You hold the keys to making your mate happy -- with your pleasure. You are in charge of that and I challenge you to use that power for good tonight! If you need help remembering why you chose your mate and exactly what it was you used to do to get connected and intimate, definitely come to the teleseminar. I hope you will find my husband as fabulous as I now do.