TV, Shopping, Alcohol – Addictions Come in Many Forms

How to Take Charge of Your Addiction Before It Takes Charge of You

Lauren Zander, Life Coach
July, 2007

Addiction is a word we often use loosely, sometimes in reference to the dark world of hardcore substance abuse but other times about something as light-hearted as loving chocolate.  For people who suffer from serious drug or alcohol abuse addictions, recovery nearly always requires intervention by means of a 12-step program or working with an addiction professional.  But there is a whole world of more benign behaviors that people feel they are “addicted to” that makes them feel out of control. Life coach Lauren Zander of the Handel Group defines these addictions as “anything you wish you could say no to or do in moderation, but you can’t.” According to Lauren, everybody has at least a few addictions—some benign, and some more perilous. However, no matter what kind it is, we can all gain by recognizing and dealing with these behaviors. Why? Because catering to even seemingly meaningless addictions allows something from the outside to be in control of your choices, instead of you being in control of yourself.

THE PAY-OFF OF ADDICTIONS

Addictions are everywhere. Everyone knows about food, alcohol and drugs, but there’s also shopping, work, sex, relationships — as well as cheating in relationships—porn, gambling, the Internet and, yes, even chocolate. However, the “what” doesn’t define an addiction… rather, it is the attitude toward it. When your feeling is “I can’t control this,” whatever this is, you can be sure you are dealing with an addiction, says Lauren.

Why do people do it? According to Lauren, in spite of the fact that people feel they can’t control their addiction, there is also a pay-off to them for their behavior. As she calls it, there is always an “in order to” attached to addictive behavior.  People will say they drink so much, watch TV night after night, stay on the Internet—whatever—“in order to” relax, have fun, forget their troubles, fill their time, etc. Some people become addicted to tempestuous affairs or casual sex in order to have excitement in their lives… others become addicted to their work “in order to” avoid close relationships or for an array of other reasons. In an effort to exert some control over an addiction people will make promises to themselves, such as going easy from now on or giving it up. But when these promises can’t be kept, it is no longer an issue of personal integrity, it is even further evidence of an addiction.

THE ADDICTION CAN BE MANAGED

Dangerous addictions aside (such as chemical or alcohol dependency), managing an addiction is actually all about moderation. We tend to think of them as an all or nothing game. Recovery, we worry, means never doing whatever it is again and maybe joining a self-help group to share the experience of never doing “it” again. However, Lauren points out that most people have the ability to manage addictions on their own and without having to give up the behavior completely.  But she says it is surprising how many people don’t even attempt to modify addictive behaviors. They will tell you they can’t change because they have no control over what they do.

In Lauren’s experience, statements from clients that they are helpless to change their ways are frankly absurd. Behavior management is absolutely possible, but to get there requires developing the ability to make and keep your own promises. And when you can do that you will have become a person with personal integrity, which is, in her view, the basis of a truly successful life. Having personal integrity puts you in the position to decide how you want to live your life and gives you the ability to follow through with your decisions.

DEVELOPING PERSONAL INTEGRITY

Some people think that personal integrity is an inborn quality, but it is not. Anyone can achieve personal integrity by being willing to commit to learning the skill of making and keeping self-promises. And it is a skill, Lauren emphasizes, that requires a lot of practice. The first step is to identify your addictions, from the incidental ones to the major ones. Again, think about any area where you feel helpless to change your behavior. It could be the inability to say “no” when asked to volunteer, or being a go-go-go over-achiever who never rests, or simply the telling of white lies in order to look your best to the outside world. All addictions are change-worthy if you or a loved one isn’t happy with them. On the other hand, you can also live happily with an addiction, as long as you are not hiding, embarrassed, hurting yourself or others and you know the consequences of the addiction and are okay with them.  For example, biting your nails. Watch out for the temptation to shrug off an addiction by saying, “that’s just the way I am.” When that happens, go deeper, says Lauren. She suggests reviewing the behaviors your parents had trouble managing in themselves because addictions are often repeated from generation to generation. Another place to look is at the company you keep. Addicts travel in packs, hanging out with people who behave in the same way, which grants unspoken permission to continue the behavior.

IDENTIFY YOUR ADDICTIONS

After identifying your addictions, next determine the satisfaction each of them gives you—in other words, complete the sentence, “I do [blank] in order to [blank]” for each addiction, checking to see if the “in order to” has a positive impact on your life or a negative one. Many, if not most, addictions are an attempt to evade difficult feelings—ask yourself what you are trying to avoid by distracting yourself with ice cream, cigarettes or another shopping spree. Be prepared—your investigation will likely surface uncomfortable feelings or you wouldn’t have been avoiding them all these years.  Put your addiction into a realistic context immediately by counting exactly how many hours you spend on the Internet, how long you exercise, how much candy you eat or how much money you spend on needless purchases. Know your habit and know it well. Then decide how you want to go about changing it and if you want to go about changing it. Lauren finds that one effective tool to help with change is to strike bargains with yourself. For example, you know you like to relax in the evening, but one night instead of having two or three drinks, try a new way to unwind—perhaps read a new book, call an old friend or even go for a walk in the evening. You can’t know if you will like other activities until you try them… and when you find some, you are adding to your repertoire of enjoyable and productive behaviors. Another effective bargaining tool: gradual moderation. Instead of dessert every night, cut back to every other night for a few weeks and then to just two nights a week. Instead of spending the entire evening in front of the TV, watch only two shows of your choice, and then just one show and so on. Eventually you’ll be able to go without the behavior. Consciously changing the frequency of the addictive behaviors, be it lessening or stopping it altogether, demonstrates that you are now in charge of your behavior and your decisions, rather than hiding behind the pretense of being controlled by the behavior.

The rewards that come with taking charge will start surprisingly soon because, as Lauren points out, “When you are dealing with addiction, any movement toward change and moderation makes you feel incredibly good about yourself.” The good feeling will give you strength to further investigate feelings you have been covering with your addictions and that can be an exciting breakthrough. By shifting your focus and time away from potentially self-destructive behaviors, you open up to fresh opportunities—including the chance to go deeper in your relationships, to learn new skills and to explore different interests. In short, you are on the way to developing a fuller, more interesting life that you feel great about and discovering the amazing power that comes from knowing you are in control of your choices and your life rather than being controlled by them.

Reprinted with the permission of:
Bottom Line Publications
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