You know when you meet someone who, without question, is your people, your tribe, a sister, a day wife, someone you love instantly and everlastingly. And not just because you’re both from Long Island…although, in some odd way, that too.
This is Elena Brower for us.
Elena Brower: Welcome to the Practice You Podcast. My name is Elena Brower. Together, we’ll explore and enjoy content and conversations around mastering transitions. I’m here with a return guest, Lauren Zander, co-founder of Handel Group. And for those of you that don’t know, for the last decade-
Lauren Zander: Wow…
Elena Brower: Yes. I have been a client, a student, and then eventually a coach with the Handel Group. The method has created my life one of ease and light. Even when I’m fucking up, it’s still good because of the work that I’ve done with you, so thank you.
We are here to talk today about a course that has massive implications, and will change many millions of lives. It’s called Inner.U LOVE and I had the great privilege and honor of recording audio for two of the modules and giving my own experience. It was scary as fuck!
I recorded the Name That Pattern and Epigenetics modules. For Name That Pattern, that was one of the biggest shifts in my life that you helped me with. For so long, I was creating a lot of trouble for myself, patterns in my life were showing up not just in relationships, which we’ll talk about, but also in addiction, in my family, with my family of origin, my parents, my sister. You taught me how to see myself with a sense of humor, with dignity, and integrity. You taught me what integrity is. There’s a new part of me that’s always watching because of this work, that was never there before. Despite all the yoga, I still didn’t have that sort of witness capacity that I have now.
So, we want to talk about that course today because I do feel that it will help, as I said, many millions of people. It has helped me understand myself on a much more fluent level, and I thought it would be nice just to get started by defining the three H’s.
I don’t actually love the 3H’s in terms of nomenclature. I find it to be very simplified, but it’s extremely helpful, and I understand why it has to be called that. So, let’s get into it.
Lauren Zander: You’re welcome to come up with a better name.
Elena Brower: I’m going to try!
Lauren Zander: OK. So, you have a head, you have a heart, and you have a hoo-ha.
The reason I separated them out is because we have voices that are constantly chattering to us about absolutely everything, but most of us can’t even hear them. We just think they’re us, right? I wonder why I don’t like him. I wonder why I don’t want to sleep with her. I wonder why I want him to leave me alone. I wonder why I like him, and he has a girlfriend, right?
We don’t understand ourselves, and so I have developed language that anyone from a 10-year-old to a 70-year-old can understand, to hack into your inner dialogue.
The first voice is the HEAD, it’s everything on a resume: “He went to Harvard. She has a good job. They make this much money. She’s Jewish.” Whatever.
Elena Brower: It’s the “on paper,” the facts?
Lauren Zander: Yes, it’s very much the bank and business, and even how you do things together: do you like being on time? Do you like to go out for dinner on Friday nights? So, there really is this head case on how one would design their whole life from their head’s point of view.
Now, the second voice is the HEART. Your head and your heart don’t exactly agree. Oh no!
Elena Brower: Ever? Almost ever?
Lauren Zander: The head and the heart can get along and go clap, clap, clap, clap, but they’re definitely clapping for different things.
Elena Brower: Right.
Lauren Zander: So, your heart cares if they’re funny, charming, caring, and do they ask all the right questions. Is there intimacy, vulnerability, fun, charm, and safety? It’s very playful, and safe, and sexy too like it’s got a romantic quality to it.
And then your third voice is the HOO-HA…
Elena Brower: This is where I go…hoo-ha. How do we find a better H word?
Lauren Zander: I used to like “hooch.”
Elena Brower: I was going to say hoochie-coochie, la, la, la.
Lauren Zander: I liked hoochie, like your hooch, but the problem with hooch is that people equate it with alcohol.
Elena Brower: Oh, or drugs.
Lauren Zander: We also tried head, heart, and heat. And then I was like, “Whoa, this is boring too.”
Anyway, the hoo-ha is the swing vote. It’s not that intelligent, it’s not trying too hard, it’s not that tricky, right? The hoo-ha is sexual chemistry and you can’t fight it.
Elena Brower: It’s there or it’s not.
Lauren Zander: And the amount of people who try and muster up chemistry in the name of their other two H’s, espeicailly their head, and just figure out how to enjoy sex…which is very different than wild attraction and really feeling connected sexually.
What happens is most people think the head, and the heart, and the hoo-ha share the vote out of 100%. If you’re going to be happy, everyone is going to be a little unhappy. Your head is going to be a little unhappy, your heart is going to be a little unhappy, and your hoo-ha is going to be maybe very unhappy, right? But there’s math for the 100%, and they’re fighting over power.
I think that’s crazy math. Your head gets 100%, your heart gets 100%, and your hoo-ha gets 100%. It’s out of 300%, not fighting over 100%. That causes a very different problem: you’re going to be picky as fuck, and you’re going to be clear about yourself, and then the next problem is, if you want someone who has all this, you might have to be that yourself.
Elena Brower: Right.
Lauren Zander: So then, the reason everyone is settling is because they don’t even know the math is wrong, they don’t know that they should hunt better and learn how to really connect.
Elena Brower: People settle and compromise.
Lauren Zander: Right. And then we never learn to fight for what we want or even get into a relationship and get out, because our heads, on a scale of 1 to 10, gave it a 6, our heart gave it a 9, and our hoo-ha is like a 7 and a half. Maybe I can get them to get a job where they want more money, and I can keep strategizing how to get them to care about that. We’re in a constant struggle about not getting what we want, except we never stood for our own integrity and standards.
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Elena Brower: Listeners, think about which of these 3H’s you have sacrificed in your current relationship or in previous relationships, and maybe even make a note to yourself that this is not something you’re willing to sacrifice anymore.
Lauren Zander: Well, this is what we do in Inner.U LOVE, right?
Elena Brower: Yes.
Lauren Zander: In Inner.U LOVE we get into sex.
Elena Brower: I’m so excited.
Lauren Zander: Oh my god, and how much people don’t tell the truth about what they want, why they want it. I created language so you can find out, on a scale of one to five, how awkward you are.
And then I created the definition of not being awkward, right? Like if you were a 5 on the Awkward Scale and you could ask for what you want, you’re liberated, you could talk about it, you could tell your parents about it. You’re not embarrassed about your sex life. The only reason we lie is because we’re embarrassed about what someone will judge us for. Right? And so, I need to get all the judgment out of it!
We have no language to talk about ourselves and then we can’t talk about a goddamn orgasm without it saying like, “Are there children around?”
Elena Brower: No. And they should be made to feel that this is the most normal conversation ever, so it isn’t this insane taboo.
Lauren Zander: Well, I think the way we keep it all secret is why it’s such a weird taboo, right? It’s because we don’t have language, we’re not allowed to talk about it, religion did a number on it, a big number on it.
Elena Brower: A big number.
Lauren Zander: And we’re not even in recovery yet. We’re still raging.
Elena Brower: This course is the beginning of love recovery.
Lauren Zander: And getting what you want!
And then the other thing is that most people don’t have any idea what they really want. People are still conditioned to believe in 2.5 children, and marriage, and you need to be married by 30, right? So, there’s all these fucked up notions that have been laid on us by people we don’t even respect. It’s so confusing. We don’t even like our mothers, and we certainly don’t want a marriage, but you’re following what rules? And lying about what, to who? To be happy with your head, but not your hoo-ha. What the hell?
And you see how quickly I was able to just say hoo-ha and you knew exactly what I meant?
Elena Brower: Yes.
Lauren Zander: Most people can’t talk that fast about the condition that they’ve put themselves in. So, Inner.U LOVE, even if you don’t do the homework, will blow your little brain away because you never even considered how weird your patterns are.
Elena Brower: I see my pattern so clearly now because of you. And I think the special part of this course is how easy it is to find humor in the patterns, and stop being so locked in with them, and start seeing that’s really cute and funny, and they can be redesigned.
Lauren Zander: And even if you’re in marriage or in a relationship, knowing your patterns and knowing how you get mad in the head and the heart, all works whether you’re in love, not in love, or should be in love, right? It will kick your butt to have the love you really want and design it.
Elena Brower: For my listener who’s listening who’s afraid to take this course because they know it’s going to blow up their current relationship, what would you say?
Lauren Zander: It’s still going to blow up anyway…you could take the seven year plan.
Elena Brower: Oh that gives me the chills.
Lauren Zander: And then what happens is that next year when we’re talking about this, they’ll be like, “I should have done it a year ago.” Right? Like, “What was I thinking?” And so, anyway, if you’re listening to this, you know your relationship is in trouble, and you even think it means it would have to end, and you haven’t had a job in six years, and you have a little four year old, and you’re like, “What the fuck should I do?”
I promise, Inner.U LOVE will have you address all of it.
Trust me, I set this up to win. You get the love you want, the person you want, and you must practice talking about yourself because we are so not good at talking about this kind of hardship, and you don’t know what I’m talking about until you do the course.
The last thing anyone learns how to do is talk about themselves. It’s so weird. So, this is all about knowing thyself, and knowing thyself in ways that really lets you hack into making changes.
Elena Brower: Listener, know that when you learn this stuff, you won’t be perfect right away, and you won’t be perfect ever, but you will get easier on yourself. You will be a better listener, and partner, and friend, and mother, and father, and brother, and sister, and child, and all of these aspects of your life that you feel are somehow subpar. You’ll be able to look at each of them with fresh eyes, different ways of communicating, that’s what we’re learning here.
And I don’t recommend a lot of courses. I don’t. I maybe pick like three or four here that I really stand behind, and this is one of them. This is definitely one of them.
Lauren Zander: Thank you.