For a long time, I thought my husband was fully responsible for my orgasm. That it was his job to make me feel good. And, even though my husband is a good guy, was up for anything, and wanted to please me, my way of thinking (see: entitled) was getting in the way of us having a fully satisfying sex life.
Once I understood that 1) my less than magnanimous personality trait and 2) my thinking (or what we at HG would call my emotional integrity) was in fact my orgasm’s issue, I knew that I could change it.
Plain and simply, I started to care about stepping up OUR sex life again and about being responsible for my own orgasm (“my” being the operative word). So I got to work designing a healthy and hot sex life with my husband.
CARING IS CRITICAL
I have found over the years that many of us in monogamous relationships would rather get over sex than face why we stopped caring in the first place. Some of us even substitute sex with eating cookies, drinking wine or some other vice. And, even if we used to be remarkably hot sexually, like the hottest, sexiest girl in high school, it doesn’t mean we are that same girl today.
Making sure you have a happy, healthy, satisfying sex life is an ongoing process. Just like staying in shape, it’s either current and and you’re doing it, or you’re not.
Let’s see where you are on the “caring scale” when it comes to still giving a hoot about having hot sex.
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Rating 1 – Sex? Nah, you’ve never cared about it in the first place. Celibacy (and Netflix) is your friend. You don’t even consider that your anger issues have anything to do with your caring-less-ness. What anger?!
Rating 2 – You used to care, but that was a long time ago. Your sex life barely has a pulse and you’re ok with that. One or two times a year is fine with you. Heck, that’s what New Year’s resolutions are for…
Rating 3 – You care about sex, but it’s not a priority. You and your partner have sex a few times a month, usually after a few drinks.
Rating 4 – You care about sex and being connected to your partner. You have an active sex life. Only, you both have busy lives and sometimes it’s difficult to keep it going. You’re better than most people.
Rating 5 – You are totally free about sex. Nothing phases you. It’s a top priority in your life and you make sure it happens several times a week with your partner (and it’s not only frequent, it’s hot!)
For me personally, my low rating was an emotional issue and I had to first come clean (pun intended) and up my own game. However, sometimes the heat and health of your sex life isn’t all emotional.
It could very well be a physical issue.
In my quest to help women everywhere up their ratings when it came to caring about sex, I went straight to world-renowned doctor, author, speaker and gynecologist, Dr. Lauren Streicher who is on a crusade herself to educate women on both the physical and mental issues that impact one’s orgasm.
And she taught me some fascinating facts about the female orgasm.
First, there’s the basic fact that, at best, 30% of women have orgasms during intercourse. Anatomically, only about 1/3 of women, based on the space between their urethral opening and their clitoris, are able to have an orgasm without direct stimulation to the clitoris. This means, in order to orgasm, you either have to create a position in which friction with the clitoris is happening with either another body part or with a vibrator.
Streicher literally gives her patients’ lessons on how to use vibrators and self-stimulation, as it’s the most effective way to insure orgasms.
Now, for those of you who have issues orgasming even with stimulation or used to have orgasms and stopped, or they decreased in frequency or satisfaction, Streicher explained that the following physical or mental factors may be at play:
- Issues with blood flow
Loss of blood flow can be caused by diabetes, heart disease, radiation, menopause and a variety of other things. The problem with a lack of blood flow is dryness. Streicher calls this the female equivalent of erectile dysfunction and we should all be incensed it doesn’t get the same amount of attention! The problem with dryness is that it causes pain and reduces libido. There are, however, blood flow devices that can help solve this problem.
- Nerve sensitivity
Lack of nerve sensitivity may be caused by health issues or medications. This can be ameliorated by the use of local vaginal estrogen or a vibrator.
- The muscle tone of your pelvic floor
Pelvic floor dysfunctions are usually a result of pregnancy and birth. You shouldn’t have to give up your great sex life just to have kids. If you find this is the problem, it can be healed through physical therapy and exercises.
- Your emotional health and the health of your relationship
If there’s a history of abuse, body image issues, the conditioning of a religion or culture that treated sexuality as taboo, or if relationship/communication problems are the problem, you’ll need a different kind of help. This is where coaching comes in very handy to help you heal and rethink how you relate to yourself, your sexuality, and your partner.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Whether it’s an emotional issue or a physical issue, you need to get caring either way. And, even more, you need to get opening your mouth — from your doctor to your partner.
However awkward it may be for you, you need to care enough to speak about it all.
If your doctor doesn’t help you after discussing it, find a new doctor! There are great, knowledgeable doctors all across the country, like Dr. Streicher, who can help you. You just need to find the right one for you.
So many people give up on sex being great and just make it okay to tolerate it or ignore the area completely.
Don’t do that.
People who have great and frequent orgasms are more connected to their partner and happier in their relationships, smile more, feel better in general, sleep better, and have fewer wrinkles.
So let’s get busy.
P.S. If your head is the issue when it comes to your caring about your sex scale, Inner.U, our digital coaching course, can help you up your game. Unpack your thoughts and get into real action …