Don’t Fake the Sex Talk

My mom taught me about orgasms, and how to have one, when I was 17. Yup, she did.

That was thirty years ago, so she was way ahead of her time. Actually, she’s still ahead of the times. Parents today still cringe and avoid the subject of sex, and many never even think to talk to their girls about female orgasms. The sex talk with girls tends to be about staying safe from unplanned pregnancy, diseases, and assault. Yet, there is so much more young girls should learn: to begin, that their pleasure matters, that female orgasms don’t just happen, and that they should ask for what they want.

Parents out there, I can hear your inner dialogue right now. “No way I am going to talk to my daughter about orgasms.” “My daughter will never listen.” “We will both be so embarrassed.” “What would I even say?”

Don’t get hot, bothered, and scared, I’ve got you. March is Difficult Conversation Month and Women’s History Month all wrapped in one, so let’s frame the conversation that will ultimately empower our girls.

Without knowing it, my mom followed Handel Group’s advice for having a Difficult Conversation. She asked me to have the conversation first so I wasn’t blindsided. She validated that talking about sex can be uncomfortable, but that she cared about me too much to avoid it. She promised to keep it short, and offered to answer any questions I might have then or later. Then she got right to the point. She told me that girls don’t usually orgasm the first time, that teenage boys don’t always know what they are doing, so I should tell my boyfriend what feels good, and that sometimes it takes a helping hand, a device, some lube or different positions to make it happen.

By stating these facts, she did so many things for me. She taught me that my pleasure matters, in other words, to value myself. She taught me that talking about sex isn’t shameful and can be done without dying of embarassment (we are both still here to tell this tale). She also gave me permission to ask for what I want – she gave me a voice. Don’t you want all of these things for your daughters? I sure do!

My daughter is only nine so I am not yet having this conversation with her, but you can bet I will. At the moment though, I am having this conversation with my two teenage boys so they can be better in bed. Yup, I am. And yes, they cringe, squirm, roll their eyes, make dumb jokes, and do everything they can to flee, but they are listening.

Why didn’t I run away, shut my mom down, or hate her for making me endure that conversation, and why don’t my boys? I’ll tell you why. As painful as it was to hear all of it from my mom, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know about sex before I had it. I wanted to know how to make it great. Kids listen, even if they look painfully uncomfortable and like they want to shoot daggers at your moving mouth. They want your help in understanding their bodies and understanding sex, even if they pretend they don’t.

So say it. Say it all!

At Handel Group, we know that having the difficult conversation is one of the most powerful ways to transform a relationship. My mom transformed her relationship with me by being that open. I came right home and told her when I finally had sex for the first time. And no, I didn’t orgasm then, but I did the next time because of all of her advice.

So parents, leash your chicken, that voice of fear in your head shouting that you could never talk to your kids about orgasms, and just do it. Preferably, before they “do it.”