Remember back to when you were really in love and you felt it, in this relationship or a past one. What was it like? How did you feel? Behave? What did you do when it was at its best, most romantic and delicious? I am stalling a bit so you can really get some good memories flowing. Do any of these sound familiar?
– You had loving thoughts about your partner throughout the day.
– You remembered good things frequently.
– You complimented him/her.
– You did favors for him/her.
– You wrote love notes/emails/texts.
– You did creative things in his/her honor.
– You cared to make dates great and planned them.
– You cared about making sex great.
– You went out of your way to be considerate.
– You gave the benefit of the doubt.
– You fantasized about him/her when he/she wasn’t around.
– You made mix tapes/CDs/dedicated playlists.
Think of your relationship now (if it fizzled temporarily or for good). What’s present now? How many of the above “just stopped happening?” And when you go to explain where those things went, how do you explain it?
Most of you will explain the fizzle as:
– There is something about the other person that changed, not you.
– It’s natural based on the passage of time.
Or, one of the worst interpretations: There is something inherently wrong with you.
But what if the fizzle is neither the result of something wrong with you or your partner, nor is it “natural?” What if you got “love amnesia” about what made the relationship great to begin with? Did you stop doing the things on the list above? What if it’s actually a matter of your integrity, whether or not you continue to do “the right” things in relationships that determines how hot and connected it stays?
I am mostly talking about romantic love here, but please note this principle applies in all important relationships. Let’s consider a relationship now that you may want to resurrect or save. Consider for a moment what might change if you picked four things from the first list above and decided YOU were responsible for bringing them back, no matter what. How would it change your relationship? How would it change you? Your partner? What will you have to deal with in yourself to start doing these things?
If you’ve begun to imagine taking on the role as “author” of your relationship and decided to take responsibility for putting the juiciness and love back, you may also be hearing the voice of the “brat” in your head protesting loudly. It really will try to blame your history, the past hurts, the other person, your weaknesses (which seem incurable) and even the weather for why nothing can change. Do not listen to this voice; it is NOT interested in your dream of deep love. In fact, it actually fights for the status quo of righteous loneliness. And who wants that?
Instead of listening to the brat in your head, blindly trust and try the above experiment for a few weeks. The worst that can happen is you find out that the relationship is not worth salvaging and then I bet you’ll end on a nicer note anyway. The prize is you’ll wake up from the “Love Amnesia” that has plagued your relationship and find you have power you never knew you had. You’ll find you have the ability to bring forth love, connection and vibrance to your relationship – at will. That is something you’ll want to practice and hone forever because it’s your key to a lifetime of happiness.
Which four will you pick? Declare them below and try them for a week; then update me on your results.