I am calling this latest chapter of my love life Love Potion #9. I am half joking and half roasting myself for being at it again. I am back on the hunt for the one. I have been here before and I know this chapter won’t last long. I know I will find a man again, but this time is different…this time I really want him to be the last one. I like to think the 8 before this one were a warm-up, a count down if you will. 4,3,2, the one! Blast off.
When my last relationship ended, at the beginning of the pandemic, mind you, and this 9th chapter started, I used these numbers against myself. I thought, “another failed relationship, how embarrassing,” “ best to give up and admit defeat,” “why try, you suck at this love thing,” and “what if I fail again and look bad?!” I wanted to give up. It sounded easier. This was a sneaky form of self-protection (see my inner-Chicken staying safe, small, and alone). I could protect myself by saying I didn’t want it so that I wouldn’t look bad going for it AGAIN. But there was a niggling truth that I could not ignore: I really do want to share my life with a special man. I really do want to love and be loved in an intimate relationship.
I am rallying and getting in the game and even having fun doing it. But before I jumped right back in, I wanted to be sure I was clear that I had learned why my past relationships ended and what I was going to do differently this time. And thankfully, we have a method for this.
Step 1: Identify Your Patterns
I went on the lookout for patterns in my relationship history (Module 3 in Inner.U LOVE). I am doing this to make sure I have gotten clear about the learnings from past relationships so I don’t repeat them. I want to upgrade who I am in my relationships. One of the patterns that I found is where I am stingy with my love and hold back giving affection generously. Yikes. I am doing the work to improve on this now, even before I am in an intimate relationship. I have a promise to hug my daughter daily and tell her something that I appreciate about her. I know that might sound minimal but you are getting an idea of the cold Ice Queen that I can be. I am on my way to warming up and attracting a warm human. We attract where we are at, right? Which brought me to my next lesson learned.
Step 2: Fix Your Picker
I was not doing a great job at picking the right man for me. My picker was broken. This may seem like a total duh given that all my relationships had ended. But I thought maybe it was their fault and not mine. There was something wrong with each of them but I was the one that picked them. I liked to pick fixer-uppers (in my mind) so that I could think that I was better than them and focus on helping and fixing them and avoid looking at myself. Yeah, you can see how well that has worked out for me. More cold love at a distance. Me above you, instead of heart to heart, eye to eye, and soul to soul. Now that I know this, what am I going to do about it? Enter the 3 H’s. Have you heard of our structure for getting clear on what you want and need in a partner? It’s in Inner.U LOVE (Module 10). I have a list now of what I want in my Head, Heart, and Hoo-Ha. And I am using this list to rate my potential mates. This way I am forcing myself to get honest about who I am picking and why.
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Step 3: Create Your Dating Laws
With my insights and my 3H’s criteria in hand I am ready to get dating. And if you know Handel Group, then you know that we create a structure to hold you when you are ready to take action. I created my dating laws (also in Module 10 of Inner.ULOVE). These are the promises I made to find my one: For example, I must get all the information I need to rate my 3 H’s by date 3. In my 3H’s criteria, on my Head’s list, my ideal person doesn’t want kids and does not have little kids under age 15. So, I need to ask about that before the end of date 3. This way I am not wasting my time or theirs.
There is no failure. This is all learning and practice at humaning better in love
Getting clear about my patterns and fixing my picker has me empowered to change my ways and use my past in service of my future. I have a promise to find the one in 2021 and I am in the last quarter of the year. I moved to LA from a small town in Northern California and I have expanded the playing field by 2 million humans. Setting myself up to win! Stay tuned for an update as I get out and start swimming in this big pool of fish. Bring it on #9!