Ready for part two of the you-never-know-when-these-3-sprites-get-together- what-will-come-out-of-their-mouths podcast? Buckle up. But, no matter what, we certainly know it’ll be honest, deep, funny, and yes, SO retrograde.
Today’s excerpt topic? How to stop being an annoying asshole with someone you love.
Elizabeth C: We are really excited about this interview. Lauren Zander, back to the show.
Stephanie S: Let me say something. She does not fuck around.
Elizabeth C: No, thank god.
Stephanie S: She is totally a seer, she can call it out as she’s looking at you. She can feel you. She’s designed her course, Inner.U LOVE, in the most human way. As long as you’re willing to be honest with yourself, you can grow through her course. And I think that the conversation that we had illuminates the spaces where both you and I still need to do a little bit of work…
Lauren Z: I love you ladies so much.
Elizabeth C: As you know, I moved in with my boyfriend recently. I’m really excited about it. It was something that had been in the works for quite awhile. But lately, I’ve been bumping up against myself a lot and hearing myself talk about the minutia around keeping a household a household, which is something for me that I am very passionate about. I like things a certain way. I like things to look a certain way.
Stephanie S: She’s OCD.
Elizabeth C: I don’t think I’m OCD…
Stephanie S: Here’s an example. The other day I’m over at her house and I get the hot sauce and the mustard. And I was just gently dipping my little fork…
Elizabeth C: The fork that was going in her mouth was going into the two jars. That’s gross.
Stephanie S: I was so gentle.
Elizabeth C: I don’t think that’s nice to do at someone else’s home. But I told her.
Stephanie S: Whatever. I wouldn’t have said anything.
Lauren Z: You know what I say to situations like that?
Stephanie S: What?
Lauren Z: We eat raw cows!
Stephanie S: Yeah. What the fuck? I was like, I don’t have a disease. And I’m on so many fucking nutritional muscle testing protocols. My mouth is probably healthier than your fucking jar of mustard from Trader Joe’s.
Lauren Z: But I can appreciate that.
Stephanie S: No, I get it too. But we had this moment where she was just like, “Can you not use the fork the way that you’re doing it?”
Lauren Z: Is that the annoying part? Truth is, there’s nothing sexier to a man or a woman than the other person being able to say, “These are the 15 things I do that I am certain are annoying.”
Elizabeth C: Yes!
Lauren Z: That’s amazing, right? And then, these are the seven I’m never changing but will always apologize for if I piss you off. And these three, you’re going to need to deal with. Ha! Because I don’t think I can stop being an asshole about these three.
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Elizabeth C: Cool! Okay, I like that. That’s straight shooting, whereas yesterday I was like, “I really have trouble with dishes in the sink. What can we do to remedy this?” And he was like, “What’s with your teacher speak?” I was like, “What!?”
Lauren Z: Instead of you just saying, “Dude, do the dishes.”
Stephanie S: You DO have teacher speak! That’s hilarious!
Lauren Z: Wait, wait, wait. Just so you know, I’ve been with my husband, David, for 22 years now. And if you go, “Has he developed since then, Lauren? I’d say, “Nah.” Which is the BEST news if you’re in love with your man. And the worst news if you’re hoping they’ll change.
Elizabeth C: Yeah, but I don’t really want him to change. I just want to know how I can be less annoying. Because in my head I’m like, “Oh my god, I’m my mom. I’m my mom.”
Lauren Z: Yeah, yeah, you are.
Elizabeth C: Fuck.
Lauren Z: It’s okay. Just accept it.
Elizabeth C: I love you mom. You’re the best mom in the world, but let’s be honest, you’ve got some stuff with organization and what not.
Lauren Z: You need to lay it out for him and ask him to help you make promises about how you’re going to be or when you have to apologize.
For example, as you can imagine, I have a habit of interrupting people. And my cute husband describes this fast moving, interrupting trait of mine as a machine gun. Like I’ll machine gun talk, boom, boom, boom, boom, while he’s more of a sniper. He waits for pauses and then would like me to allow him to say his whole point before I start firing again.
And I look at him as he slowly makes his point, like, “Wow, that pentameter is…”
Stephanie S: Like get fucking to the point!
Lauren Z: Like, “Whoa, that’s really interesting honey.” But, bitch down, right? I want to hear my man speak. I want to hear everything he has to say, and I literally have to sit down, kwell my right to the machine gun, and be like, “Hi honey, tell me everything.”
Elizabeth C: And then sit on your hands.
Lauren Z: And then shut the fuck up. I really have to let him keep going. “What else? Tell me more. Tell me more.” And then, he looks at me at the end of his 15 to 20 minutes of telling me, slowly, everything and loves me as if I was a saint for not being an interrupting bitch.
Stephanie S: Right.
Lauren Z: I do that and I have a man who’s in love with me and thinks I’m the greatest thing. And you’re like, “What else do you have to do?” And I’m like, “Ah, not much. He does everything else.”
Elizabeth C: Okay.
Lauren Z: Except, I do dishes.
Stephanie S: Don’t you have a dishwasher now?
Elizabeth C: Yeah, but you still have to hand wash before it goes in the dishwasher to have the preferred clean.
Stephanie S: OCD. OCD.
Elizabeth C: Is it OCD?
Lauren Z: Aw, I’m going to help.
Elizabeth C: What’s the homework?
Lauren Z: First you have to make a list of what you think you’re doing that annoys the shit out of him.
Elizabeth C: Teacher talk. I like a gentle sandwich of compliment, criticism, compliment.
Lauren Z: You know we like to nickname traits. And any trait has where it works in your life and where it doesn’t. Yours, I’d call “Hot Schoolmarm.” Hot Schoolmarm has where it’s really helpful and has where it’s condescending.
You’re literally schooling someone because you’re in a slight superiority complex. Right? And you’re going to even slow your cadence because they are a little too stupid to understand. It’s your mom, right? It’s a trait. Have a sense of humor and make fun of it.
There’s a method to leashing a bad trait. But first, you have to fully figure her out. What she sounds like. What words she likes to use. It’s almost like you’re hosting a ride that you’re stuck on.
Elizabeth C: Yes. I’m so excited to do this.
Lauren Z: Okay, so what you do is make a list of the traits you want to leash. Then, you read that list to Joey, your man, and see if you missed any. You go down the list and ask him, “Do you mind this?” You explain how you want to string up these traits and you’re checking with him to see if there’s any on the list that don’t bother him. That he may want you to, in fact, keep.
None of us have any idea how pervasive our parents’ traits and issues are. How riddled we are with them. It’s like building a house but skipping over the plumbing. Let’s not. In Inner.U LOVE, Handel Group’s online coaching course, Lauren teaches you how to not only human better BUT how to take down the traits that aren’t working for you in the land of love, whether you’ve already found your one (like, Elizabeth) or are searching for your one(s).