T’is the season…again. Lord (or whoever or whatever you believe in) knows, the holidays can cause some rukous amongst us humans. From Halloween to Thanksgiving to Christmas/Hanukkah to New Year’s, it’s a busy time of year and that’s why we decided to do a few F the Holidays FB and Instagram Lives and deal with all the big Fs that come up holiday season: Food, Finances, and Family.
Yes, we’re here with the figurative Prilosec (aka heartburn meds). Here are some small morsels from one of our episodes:
F is for FAMILY
Marnie: This F question most likely stands for family… How do you help someone that’s asking for help but still ruminating and repeating their story again and again even after you’ve given loads of validation?
Lauren: This happens all the time, right? If I’m on the clock, someone could be telling me the same story over and over again. And you go, “Well, Lauren, what do you do about that? Even if you’re getting paid to listen…” And I’m like, “I fire people.” F for fire. What’s really true, is that people haven’t made decisions. They retell the same story over and over again to feel the feelings again. And they think that if they retell the story, and feel the feelings again, and go through the, “Can you believe he did this? Can you believe she did this? Can you believe my boss did this?” then they actually are pretty addicted to the feeling of betrayal.
So first, just understand what you’re witnessing isn’t someone who just likes to tell a story over, and over, and over again. It’s actually someone who’s subconsciously lost in a feeling of betrayal. This usually means that it’s a haunting, and it isn’t just the latest one, but a series of them that touch an emotion that they have over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, for years, and years, and years, and years, right?
So, what I’m really saying is that you – the listener – are out of your league. You’re not going to be able to help that person all that well. And if they keep repeating their story, you have a choice. So, I’m going to tee it up. First of all, if you’re not a coach and you’re not practicing The Handel Method at home, then what really needs to happen is you loving your friends and just listening to them: “Tell it again, Marnie. Tell it again. What happened? Oh, really? Okay, got it.”
Now you’re going, “Lauren, I can’t hear it anymore.” Okay, good. So now you can’t hear it anymore. They’re not in trouble for telling it again. You’re admitting it just frustrates the shit out of you to hear it again and again. Right. And so what you’re admitting is, “Marnie, I’m really sorry. I’m like this weirdo asshole who doesn’t want to hear this story. Like I hate him for you. I hate her for you. I hate that boss for you. You’ve talked about it for like an hour and I can’t hear it again. If you do something about it, I’ll hear it. Like, if you’re going to tell the story one more time and you can do something then cool, but if you’re not, you get like 10 minutes or else I start foaming at the mouth and get crazy. So can you forgive me for being so upset about listening to this over and over again? I want you to take a different action and you’re not. So you can’t use up our dinner on this. You get 10 minutes, negotiate with me. Can you forgive me? Can we talk about something else? Unless you’re going to do something about it differently and really make a promise you’re going to keep otherwise I’m not listening to this again. He’s a jerk. We know.”
Marnie: I don’t have much to add. Just know, in Inner.U, our online coaching course, there’s an ENTIRE session on “How to Have a Hard Conversation.” And that’s what you just heard from Lauren. She created the whole context for her hard but honest conversation with me, she acknowledged everything and owned her part in not wanting to listen anymore. So, we really have a “how to” for you of how do you go have a hard conversation with your friend or family member coming from a place of, you know, loving them and wanting them to get the fuck over this soon. Right? Cause they’re not happy, you’re going crazy.
Lauren: Yes and then that person really does need to do some deep work. If someone’s still having the same drama over and over again in a way that’s really hurting them, their kid, their boss, their partner, their best friend, etc. If anything’s repeating, they need deep work in what I would call “unravelling their hauntings.” And so that person’s haunted. So, you, their friend, don’t have to take it so personally. Right? They’re doing the best they can. They really are. And you should really just admit you’re over it. You love them, but you can’t take it.
Marnie: Yes. And it also helps you, as their friend, to find areas in your life where you’ve done the same thing. It helps you find compassion when you rightfully wonder what story do you tell or complain about over and over and over again? Like do I have any of those? Cause usually if it’s a family member or friend, you can probably find a similar story. So, it’ll just get you in your heart when you have that “shut up” conversation.
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F is for FOOD
Marnie: Okay. All right, here’s an F for food question: I’m extremely unhappy with my body. It’s inhibited me in social situations because I feel I’m too fat and awkward. What can I do? Even after losing a lot of weight, 20 kilograms (44 pounds), I still look chubby.
Lauren: Awesome. Now, first of all, I’ve helped people lose 50 pounds, 80 pounds. I think the most I’ve ever helped someone lose is like a little over one hundred pounds. Right? And so you’re saying you’re at 44 pounds. And more than likely, you have (I’m obviously making this up) around 20 or 30 to go, right? Like, there really is the number that you need to get to so you feel proud of yourself. And however you’re already doing that, it’s working.
I personally love our coaching method for losing weight, we take Dr. Mark Hyman’s diet principles, and then we add another ingredient, personal integrity: the ability to really make and keep a promise to yourself. Okay. So, keep going and really admit you’re not done yet and that you’re in a long project until you get to within the five pound range of your happiest weight ever. What else was in the question?
Marnie: Yes, address her line re: it’s inhibited me in social situations.
Lauren: The only other funny, bad joke I can tell you that we all really need to chew on for the rest of our lives is this: no one’s happy in their bodies. No one’s voice in their head re: their bodies is that nice. No matter who or how thin you are. Right? And the weirder part that I explain to people, which is a bit of a catch-22, is the day you make your weight, you’re in a new dilemma, which is how to love yourself. So, there really is this truth that until you’re at goal weight, you have every right to be pissed at yourself, that’s valid. And it works in all areas. Until you’re out of debt, you’re going to feel screwed up about how you are about money, right? And the day you’re out of debt, do you feel rich and free and liberated? Like you don’t have to manage your money anymore? Uh, no. The day you’re on your goal weight, are you going to feel sexy as fuck and happy about your body? Maybe not.
Welcome to us.
The voice in your head really is not into loving you and it’s not because it shouldn’t or because you’re not fighting the fight to lose weight and are doing it well. And so, the ability to take over your inner dialogue and start to make it say what you want it to say versus what it’s entitled to say is so important. As you walk around going, “I’m unhappy in my body.” And you see like even the model over there. Yeah. She’s not happy in her body either. I know that’s hard to believe.
Marnie: That’s true.
Lauren: But I think one of the tickets onto planet earth is a to thine own self, loathe.
Marnie: Be a two.
Lauren: Beat you.
Lauren: To thine own self be a dick.
Lauren: Right. So, and then the real sport is how to love yourself. You want to start working on that inner dialogue because if you really lost 44 pounds and you’re being in integrity, you deserve to be proud of yourself today and that voice has no right to bash you anymore.
Well, shouldn’t we all stuff our turkey or stocking with a little self-love this year.