We all know the cliché that women like jerks, but let’s peel back the layers. What does this mean for the committed long-term relationships we want to improve with time?
Men, I am going to attempt to show you how to be irresistible to a woman you want to stay with forever, and with whom you want to build a relationship that gets better and better, hotter and hotter over time. That sounds pretty nice doesn’t it, if you’re done sowing your oats? If you are not done sowing, this might still help you, but the ladies might not appreciate ME, so stop reading.
So here is the deal, marrying types. You do need to be a jerk, but in very specific ways.
WHERE IT’S OK TO BE A JERK:
#1 Set an expectation that SHE is the master of her happiness.
As long as a woman thinks it’s your job to make her happy, there will be strife. It’s likely you will try as hard as you can, and she will never let you win and she will never be happy, because the source of her happiness HAS to be herself. For example, she has to realize that how her body looks and feels is completely within her power. You can’t choose her food or workout FOR her, after all. (Think of her asking you: “Do I look fat in this?”) Other common examples are money and career. Be the one to cheer her on, but she has to be the one to ask and get what she wants from herself and her life.
#2 Say no.
She desperately needs you to have a backbone so she can feel safe. If you are too much of a pushover, respect will be lost. Oh, she will try and control you and everything else, but it is your job to stand your ground on things you care about. If she asks you to do or be something you’re not, have the balls to say no. Then she can choose if she really like you, eyes wide open. The worst is you both knowing on some level she’s trying to change you and will never succeed. Love is so yummy when you accept and love the one you chose, knowing who he or she really is.
#3 Be proud of who you are and stable in living true to it.
Obviously this starts with knowing yourself and telling the truth about your own dreams. If you haven’t done this work, please get a coach, even just to do the short term project of writing up what you want in life, how you’ll get there and the rules you want to live by.
#4 Defend the things you like to do.
It’s really okay, even beneficial, for you two to have different interests and friends who remain separate. If everything is separate, that’s not a good sign, but do defend your hobbies and interests. If she takes this personally, go back to #1. If she is offended by your interests or friends, that’s a huge red flag.
#5 Defend how you like to be treated.
She may be bossy and you may even like to go along with her, but you MUST establish what respect feels like. If you do not like being yelled at in public, or being interrupted, or being put on hold on the phone, or whatever it is, if it pisses you off and you aren’t saying it, you are undermining the development of lasting love.
WHERE IT’S NOT OK TO BE A JERK:
You are not allowed to lie or hide the truth (including your opinions, feelings, cheating thoughts, etc.).
The trick to finding love and making it last is being yourself. Trite but true. If you are lying, she shouldn’t trust you, and neither should you. If you are doing something you think should be hidden, or if you think you have an opinion that can’t be heard, red flags are waving. Time to check in with yourself and what you really think. Telling the truth about what you think or what you’ve done, brings you into the present moment, and that is the only place from which to grow anything wonderful, even if it’s with someone new. Dealing with the truth teaches you everything you need to learn about emotions and real love. Be willing to “walk through the fire” of truth-telling, not in order to KEEP a relationship (that may or may not work) but primarily to keep your personal integrity. This is what matters most anyway.
You are not allowed to be abusive.
Yes, women like a strong man, even if they pretend they don’t. But they do not like a mean or hurtful man. If you feel the need to belittle or hurt, that is NOT love, that is a re-enactment of childhood pain. Please be brave enough to put yourself on hold from dating until you can sort yourself out enough to stop abusing. If you are being mean to others, chances are you also have some work to do on being kind to yourself and that should be prioritized since it’s a prerequisite for lasting love anyway.
But Laurie, women can be so needy! How do I deal?
Let her be “needy” but not needy needy, yah know? You want her to find you heroic, helpful, gallant, but she cannot rely on you for things that should be her responsibility, unless you agree to it prior to committing (like you will pay for all home expenses, etc.). That will feel like a burden quickly. Speak up as soon as you feel a boundary is being crossed, and needy blurs into co-dependence. If the lady is your true love, she’ll appreciate you wanting her to be strong and self-loving.
The thing that breaks my heart most is when couples come to me with years of bad culture and communication between them. I am hoping singles and new lovers are reading and realizing, YOU CAN negotiate politics and communication BEFORE you get too far in.
Beware: You can’t fake this, this has to come from the heart. Like I said at the beginning you actually have to know who you are in order to stand up for it and live true to it. You have to want to live honestly and with integrity. If that’s you, women will line up to know you and love you (forever). Send this to all the nicest jerks you know who want to find and keep love.