During the month of May we all start to get cabin fever. The weather’s heating up and we are ready to get hot and heavy, too. We’re ready to go after that man or woman we’ve been eyeing on the way to work every morning, or the hot guy or beautiful woman we kept running into at the grocery store. Or we’re terrified. But before you go all-out and start pursuing your next summer Love or get scared stiff, check out this interview between Handel Senior Coach, Marnie Nir (our dating guru) and Handel Staff Coach, Tara Eastlake, about how to cleanse your dating life and make room for the real thing.
Marnie: I don’t know about you, but every spring when I walk by the pop-up bathing suit section of a store, I contemplate some sort of juice cleanse that would have me no longer eye that damn cover-up/sarong/muu muu section that we ALL know only exists to hide our winter asses.*
Puh-lease. As if it’s only me.
As brilliant as a spring cleanse just before summer, wouldn’t it be worthwhile to flush what is currently informing (and clogging!) your dating life?
What dating life?
We can help. I caught up with Tara Eastlake, (one of our former clients, now a coach) to see how she flushed the crap out of her dating life and designed it so that she could land the man of her dreams. And that she did!
Marnie: What was your dating pattern pre-Handel?
Tara: Before Handel, I was stuck in a pattern of picking and staying with the wrong guys. I stayed in bad relationships for way too long! I picked men that were immature, that let me live out my roller-coaster of emotions, and that flat-out did not really want love and marriage. I thrived off the challenge and conquest. I loved the drama and took comfort in it which is something I’ve done since a very young age. I loved taking care of the immature men. I defined myself as a caretaker my whole life! My model relationships were full of drama, upset, fighting and despair. I thought I wanted true love, but I was really scared of true intimacy.
Marnie: What beliefs did you uncover through coaching?
Tara: I believed that I could change a man. I believed that my “love” for someone would eventually make them marry me. I believed breaking up with someone I cared for would “kill” me. I related to break-ups as I related to death/loss, and that’s something I experienced a great deal of growing up; very painful losses.
Marnie: What did you change about how you dated and what you attracted?
Tara: I changed everything! I learned to be very clear about my deal-breakers. I set up my rules for dating, which were crucial!
* No kissing unless there’s a real possibility that he’s the one.
* Find out if he’s interested in marriage and kids by date two.
* No sleeping together unless we are exclusive.
* He had to be successful and love his work.
* He could not have a history of cheating.
* I had to be at my best on all dates.
If I noticed any deal-breakers in him, it was over. I couldn’t continue the relationship past two months if I didn’t feel excited as to where we were heading. I couldn’t even text a guy to make plans. I had to call him because phone calls establish intimacy. It was hard work. I was scared and it felt “icky”, and I fought each rule every step of the way. But I leaned on my coach to get me through. I knew I was not the best “expert” in the area of relationships, and couldn’t trust my usual “instincts.”
Marnie: What was the result?
Tara: I am in a beautiful relationship with the man of my dreams! The past year-and-a-half with him has been the best time in my life! It is so clear that what I used to think were great relationships in the past, were just shells of relationships. They were empty. My current relationship isn’t all perfect, but it’s real love! We both work each day toward a common dream.
Part of why I’m a coach is because I want to help other people believe in love.
Marnie: ME TOO! We are certainly proud of your results. Any one else want their turn?