The secret to romance, sex, and orgasms | Handel Group

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Come on. Pun intended. Who doesn’t want the secret to romance, sex, and orgasms?

Truth be told, the reason I (an expert coach, workshop leader, and coach of coaches) still have a coach of my own at Handel Group is pretty simple. And, no, it’s not simply because I’m human and therefore come with many warning labels (although that too). But because my coach has always said things to me that blow my mind (and still do, 15 years later).

In fact, the things she has said to me over the years not only blow my mind, they change my mind.

One of my favorite truth bombs from her happened to be one of the first. It was when she told me the key to heating up my marriage.

You see, when I (an over-achieving, look gooder, and twin (read: competitive) came to coaching, I was a bit (read: a lot) embarrassed to admit how long it had been since my husband and I last had sex. (Fine, several months). It’s such a cliche. Ten years in and two small kids later, I wasn’t even pretending like I was too tired. (Is anyone really too tired for an orgasm?) It was more like I was making a statement, I’m closed. I need to give all my love to the kids. It’s all too much. And BTW, you don’t romance me enough and I’m not in the mood.

I know. No one out there can relate to my complaint or finger point. I am the first human EVER to deflect, over complicate, and/or have an escape plan from intimacy.

My coach giggled at the concept ‘mood.’ In fact, she matter of factly said that—have a seat—you actually have sex to get in the mood, to like your partner, to sleep better, and to help with the exhaustion. That sex was actually the solution! If you wait to be in the mood, to be rested and to be madly in love … you’ll wait way too long and then think your marriage is sh-t.

“You need romance?” She said. “One of you just needs to light a candle.”

And there’s the rub.

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After I stopped laughing (a good sign), I processed the brilliance of what she said in its simplicity. I was reminded of how much we do to make everything so very complicated. In fact, I so complicate things, I need a promise in my life to be crystal clear in all my communications. ’Cause I’m often, well, not.

If you’re familiar with me or Handel Group, if you’ve attended our workshops, done our digital course, read our book and blogs, and/or done even a minimal amount of work on yourself, I’ll bet you thought I was going to say that the key to hot sex, romance, and orgasms was one (or all) of the following:

  • Your mind
  • Your intimacy and connection
  • Trust, etc.

And you wouldn’t be wrong. As they all matter. However, sometimes physical integrity (i.e. a promise to have candlelit sex) fixes both the emotional (feelings) as well spiritual (thoughts) problems. Personally, after years of therapy and personal growth books, courses and gurus, I was shocked by how simple much of my coaching with Handel Group was.


I know! The Handel Method has been called a bunch of things, from straightforward to spiritual, from no nonsense to not-for-all. But simple? Nah. Nonetheless, for me, it’s true. Case in point, here are a few things my coach simplified that changed everything for me:

  • Have sex (with my husband!) 2x a week
  • Schedule sweet, romantic time with my husband, ie. make him breakfast, one date night a week, etc.
  • No interrupting my husband. When he speaks, I listen. (Turns out, my husband finds it sexy when I care about what he says …)
  • Clear up any grumbles we may have every night before bed. This way neither of us get to hoard any hurts.

I was shocked by how simple it was.

I know it’s possibly annoying that I should simplify radical change like this. But do you know why it’s particularly extra irksome to us, besides the fact that we have years of ‘hard’ evidence to back our belief that change is difficult? It’s our heads brilliant (albeit unconscious) plan to stay unaccountable: stuck where we are, in the beds that we made, without having to be accountable for doing anything differently. If I, personally, can point to my age, my metabolism, my kids, my schedule, do I have to stop eating chocolate or (re)start jumping my mate?

How brilliant (and sneaky) of us to keep things (particularly, change and chocolate) complicated.

Now, now. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying our species is simple. That our past, lineage, hurts, hauntings, wounds, etc. are not deep and complex. But what if simplifying what we complicate would make dealing with the morass easier?

In any area of your life where you are not tickled to be you, more than likely you are breaking personal laws you don’t even know you have. Most of us, if we slowed down and got radically honest with ourselves, really could cop to the 3 or 4 promises we’d need to make (and keep) weekly that would make us simply and sexually proud.

What are yours?

When you are ready to have way more fun in bed and you are hoping (rightfully and thankfully) that it’s simpler than you think, call us.